<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Burn Heaven and Hell by Juliette_November</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25651639">Burn Heaven and Hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliette_November/pseuds/Juliette_November'>Juliette_November</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Given (Anime), Given (Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Comfort/Angst, Consensual Underage Sex, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Introspection, M/M, Morbid thoughts, Non-Explicit Sex, Please Read Author Notes, Possessive Behavior, Self Confidence Issues, Toxic Relationship, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, based on canon events, self sabotoge, suicide ideation, tags updated as i go, they still care so much</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 01:59:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>29,041</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25651639</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliette_November/pseuds/Juliette_November</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ugetsu and Akihiko’s love story told over five years in five movements. The spark, the rise, the height, the fall, and the catalyst. </p><p>People say that Murata Ugetsu is cold and untouchable. This is his truth that only one brilliant man and one gifted boy will understand.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kaji Akihiko &amp; Murata Ugetsu, Kaji Akihiko/Murata Ugetsu, Murata Ugetsu &amp; Satou Mafuyu, Murata Ugetsu/viola guy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Mascara Tears (the spark)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fire.</p><p>The word engulfs Ugetsu’s mind as he watches the young man on stage perform. </p><p>Fire that burns as hot as hell flame. It’s a destructive force that could open you up and defile you to your very core. It drips in sensuality as it blazes unrestrained and free. The young man’s technique is rough, but with enough practice, his fire could burn the heavens.</p><p>“Looks like an interesting one has come along,” Ugetsu hums. </p><p>The performance ends and the audience claps poshly, but he imagines it as a roar. A rallying battle cry. He gets a good look at the young man as he sets aside his violin and bows politely. He is very tall and athletically built. He has an angular, model-like face and messily cropped blonde hair. Even from this far away, the flash of his intense green eyes is brilliant.</p><p>This young man is the exact opposite of Ugetsu. Not that he isn’t remarkably attractive himself, he knows that. His own hair is dark, his eyes are grey and steely, and his features are delicate looking. Not sweet and innocent like some other teenagers his age, but critics say has an air of fragility despite his immense stage presence. Ugetsu is a rainy autumn night while this passionate young man is a blinding spring day.</p><p>“That was Kaji Akihiko. Next up is-”</p><p>Ugetsu tunes out the rest of the competition.</p><p>When he blinks again, he finds himself back on stage for the award ceremony. It's obvious he'll win first place again, but he’s curious about that Akihiko guy. </p><p>“In second place is Kaji Akihiko. He could not stay for the ceremony, but let us congratulate him.”</p><p>True enough, the spot designated for second place remains empty.</p><p>“Finally, in first place, we have a remarkable prodigy who is taking Japan by storm. Murata Ugetsu with his astounding rendition of-”</p><p>The announcer prattles on. The audience begins to clap. Against the bright stage lights, none of them have faces. If Ugetsu lets his imagination run, the scene would morph into a grotesque nightmare of black puppets. He forces himself to smile pleasantly as he wills the announcer to hurry the hell up with the speech.</p><p>The award ceremony is his least favorite part of a competition. He gets lost in his music as he plays, but while he’s accepting awards, there’s no way to shut his eyes against the gnarly visions. </p><p>He blinks again.</p><p>And he’s in a taxi heading back to his house. The driver is thankfully silent so he doesn’t have to force himself to make small talk.</p><p>Unable to wait until he gets home, Ugetsu digs through his bag for the pack of makeup wipes. He scrubs off his stage makeup with spastic movements. </p><p>“Long day?” the driver pipes up.</p><p>“Yes,” Ugetsu replies, “but I met somebody very incredible.”</p><p>He gazes at the light foundation and black mascara staining the pure white sheet. His mind wanders to Akihiko. </p><p>'Come at me as my greatest rival. Burn me to ashes with your fire. Devour me with your music that I could never recreate.'</p><p> </p><p>The summer day is hot. He is glad to be sitting next to the open window. A breeze rustles his hair. There is a flock of birds squawking as they fly free in the distance.</p><p>“- what do you make of this, Murata-san?”</p><p>The substitute teacher’s voice is smug and grating. Looks like he mistook Ugetsu’s aloofness for inattention. Little does he know that Ugetsu is a bit of a literary genius as well. He just finds it easier to concentrate in class when he’s not distracted by the body language of the teachers. Too sharp for his own good, he can’t help but pick up on their micro-expressions. His usual teachers all know this about him, but it seems like the substitute couldn’t pass up the opportunity to humiliate someone. </p><p>“I think,” Ugetsu begins to put him in his place, “what the author means to convey is that the curtains were blue. Not every detail has to have a grand meaning. Some things exist as they are.”</p><p>He can’t help but think about that alluring violinist. The suit he wore looked well-tailored, but Ugetsu has a feeling that he doesn’t bother with stage makeup. Someone like Akihiko exists unapologetically as he is. He’s not the type to cover up or people-please. It’s a respectable way of life.</p><p>The substitute teacher appears surprised that Ugetsu has been paying attention after all, but he’s set on debating. “Well, one can imagine. The wonderful thing about literature is that we are all free to have our own interpretations.”</p><p>Ugetsu smiles angelically as he delivers his rebuttal. “Would it be fair for me to look at your blue shirt from a bargain store and assume that you are a sad, lonely man? Maybe you did recently get divorced, but maybe you got up this morning and just picked the first clean shirt you saw. It’s cruel to assign your own interpretations without considering the feelings of the creator.”</p><p>Speak of the devil, because none other than Kaji Akihiko in a disheveled uniform waltzes in halfway through class. His voice is deep and sultry. “Heh, this guy gets it. I agree with him. If the author wanted a metaphor for the protagonist’s sadness, there are more refined ones he could have used. If you truly studied this author, you’d know his style.” </p><p>The whole class begins to snigger. Several girls turn to each other, whispering about how hot their new arrival is. The substitute teacher goes red-faced as he stammers to introduce the new student and resume the lesson. Akihiko takes a couple long strides and plops himself down in the empty seat beside Ugetsu. Sunlight catches on his silver piercings and gives his emerald eyes a golden cast. All in all, the guy is freaking attractive! And it seems like Ugetsu and the girls aren’t the only ones to notice.</p><p>“Psst,” his rambunctious redhead friend who sits behind him whispers to their brunette friend. “We already have Ugetsu-kun and now another hottie has joined this class! How are we going to compete?”</p><p>“Worry not,” the brunette whispers back. “Ugetsu-kun is the pretty type while we have our irresistible boyish charms!”</p><p>Ugetsu feels his skin prickle. Used to being in the public eye, he has good senses for when he’s being watched. Kaji is gazing at him intensely, unabashed at getting caught. There’s no hint of recognition though.</p><p>“Welcome to our school,” Ugetsu smiles as he whispers. “The dummy behind me is our class president. He will be in charge of showing you around.”</p><p>The indignant redhead sputters while Kaji grunts a thanks. </p><p> </p><p>Later that day, Ugetsu is in the music practice room during lunch hour. Most of the boys play basketball during the break and he sometimes gets roped in as well. He supposes laughing along with them while playing is fun, but it’s also nice to spend time alone with his music.</p><p>While scribbling some notes on the sheet music, he feels his skin prickle with the familiar sensation again. Unsurprisingly, Akihiko is at the door with realization dawning in his eyes.</p><p>“Ah, I remember you now!” Ugetsu decides to humor him. “You’re the guy who placed second in the National Violin Competition! Your rendition of Brahms was very good. Hmm...you seemed more delicate looking on stage though. Turns out you’re the brutish type in person.”</p><p>Kaji replies without breaking his intensely inquisitive gaze. “I knew you looked familiar. Seems like we’re in the same class, Murata Ugetsu-kun.”</p><p>“I hope we can be friends,” he offers. It’ll be interesting to keep this guy close. “Let’s drop the honorifics. I’ll call you Kaji.”</p><p> </p><p>Ugetsu learns a few things about Kaji. He’s brash and speaks informally with everybody. He never wears his tie properly or takes out his piercings regardless of how often he’s scolded. He doesn’t hesitate to argue or start a fight, but he has a very noble heart. Despite his can’t-be-bothered demeanor, he’s also sharply observant. </p><p>Kaji’s unique looks and sense of humor earn him fast friends and admirers. His new unofficial fan club quickly rivals Ugetsu’s own. However, despite his popularity, Kaji is closed off at his core.</p><p>He’s not like Ugetsu, who feels too much and too intensely to exist in the same plane as the rest of society. Kaji truly seems like he doesn’t bother with uninteresting people. Though he finds Ugetsu intriguing.  </p><p> </p><p>With the addition of Kaji to his stale school life, the second term flies by. Soon enough, they’re getting their final Japanese literature essays back. </p><p>“The highest grade in the year goes to Murata Ugetsu with his piece on No Longer Human,” their teacher announces. </p><p>The redhead whoops in joy. “Take that class B! I won our bet!” When he’s met with a steely glare, he sheepishly placates “ahh, good job, Murata-sama. I’ll treat you to something good, okay?”</p><p>Since Kaji’s arrival, he, Ugetsu, the redhead, and the brunette have become a close-knit group.   </p><p>“No fair, you got the highest grade when you picked the hardest book,” the brunette pouts. </p><p>He looks down at his essay. 'No Longer Human and our fear of alienation'. Full marks received along with a commendation from the principal. The blood, sweat, and tears he put into expressing himself in words has paid off.</p><p>“No Longer Human was the easier book to write about,” Ugetsu explains with a head tilt. “Be it disgust, anger, or pity, the protagonist makes you feel strongly for him. To me, I found it respectable that he kept struggling for his ideals.” </p><p>“So you can understand him? Must be nice having a mind like yours.”</p><p>Kaji smacks them both with his textbook. “Oi, you knuckleheads just gotta work harder next time,” he teases as he reveals his own high grade. </p><p> </p><p>Ugetsu learns a few more things about Kaji. The guy has a cunning mind for school as well as street smarts beyond his years. Math and science are his best subjects, but he’s quite good at languages as well. He would be getting higher grades if he isn’t also working at a butler cafe. He says he needs to make money so he can send himself to a music program in university. When Ugetsu argues that he can do that with scholarships and grants, Kaji scowls and demands they drop the subject. He has a feeling he knows why Kaji is so vehement about the issue. Not everybody has absent parents who are capable enough to provide for them.</p><p>“Hey, focus!” Kaji snaps his fingers.</p><p>“How do you know I’m not focusing?”</p><p>“I know that daydreaming look on your face. Geez, how did I end up tutoring you when I have less time than you for studying?”</p><p>That’s because Ugetsu fell behind studying for the math and science finals while he hyper focused the languages. To be fair, he isn’t necessarily struggling to catch up. He just needs someone to correct any mistakes.</p><p>The two of them work through a few more chapters in companionable silence. </p><p>“What were you dreaming off about anyways?” Kaji questions as they’re packing up.</p><p>“The lines on the graphs,” he muses. “Which do you find more tragic...lines that cross once and then never again, or lines that get closer and closer but never touch?”</p><p>The teasing glint disappears from emerald eyes. “Is this your way of saying you’re glad we met?”</p><p>“Maybe it is,” he replies. “How about we make a bet? If I beat your score on the math final, the idiots and I get to embarrass the hell out of you while you’re at work!”</p><p>“Pfft. You’re on, you wily minx.”</p><p> </p><p>Ugetsu doesn’t beat Kaji’s score for the math final. They show up at the butler cafe anyways to embarrass the living hell out of him. They gather plenty of blackmail photos, though it can hardly be called blackmail considering Kaji looks divine in a suit and with his hair styled neatly. They treat him to dinner afterwards to make up for their antics.</p><p>The rest of winter break passes in a flurry. The manager who Ugetsu’s father hired urges him to participate in more competitions. He also opens the show for a more established violinist whose name he doesn’t bother to learn. That violinist’s technique is quite refined, but his music is stale. Ugetsu opens the show for him with a turbulent maelstrom. This is how music is supposed to be. It has to hurt you like nothing has while healing you like nothing can.</p><p>“A remarkable feat for a rising talent!” a critic acclaims. “He will surely have more eyes of the industry on him! It’s a matter of time before he goes international!”</p><p>Strangely, Kaji doesn’t participate in any competitions despite having eyes of the industry on him as well. The guy reasons that he decided to pick up more shifts at the butler cafe to make the most of the holiday season. Ugetsu doesn’t press the issue since he knows finances are a sore spot.</p><p>He’s bummed out about not spending Christmas with Kaji, but at least his father pays a brief visit so he’s not totally alone. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know what’s next,” Ugetsu confides as they’re walking home after school one day. They’re sipping on steaming cups of coffee to ward off the cold.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Father hired another manager and a PR coordinator for me over the break,” he explains. “They can open doors for me, but I don’t know what to do next. So far, I’ve only played in competitions and opened shows, but people are expecting more from me.”</p><p>Kaji’s expression remains dumbfounded, as if he can’t comprehend why the opinions of others matter. Ugetsu isn’t the type to let opinions get to him either, but he knows he has to cater to them to some degree if he wants to make it big.</p><p>“What do you, Murata Ugetsu, want to do?”</p><p>“I think....I want to play a solo show of original pieces. It’s a gutsy move for a newer musician like myself, since nobody will expect it. This will determine the flow of my entire career.”</p><p>“Don’t be so dramatic,” Kaji chides while mussing one of his large hands through Ugetsu’s hair. His grin is confident and wickedly handsome. “If you want to do it, do it. Don’t overthink.”</p><p> </p><p>His father and his team agree that it’s a risky move, but it’s suitable if he wants to brand himself as the unconventional type. Considering how many talented young musicians there are in the world, Ugetsu needs to set himself apart. The last term of his first year in high school gets busy as he balances school with preparations. </p><p>“I want you to listen to this and tell me if it’s a worthy finale,” Ugetsu says as he pulls Kaji with him into the music practice room. He doesn’t tell Kaji that this piece is inspired by him. It’s inspired by the danger and beauty of an untamable fire.</p><p>His fingertips burn as he plays the first notes. He closes his eyes and loses himself in the melody. At this point, his muscle memory is so good that he doesn’t need his physical senses to play. All he needs is his soul on the strings. All he needs is to feel...feel...feel...</p><p>As the last note fades, Ugetsu opens his eyes that have gone glassy. Music is all he has. It’s the only language he can effortlessly express himself in. Music can lend him wings, but he will never fly free. “It’s just the first draft, but I think it has potential. It’ll sound even better completed and with the backup players,” he chatters as he packs his violin away so Kaji won’t see the tears about to fall. </p><p>When he turns around, the handsome face he has come to know is looking at him with an intense expression. A mix of awe and envy...but also sadness? Ugetsu doesn’t get to examine the expression further because Kaji catches him in a firm hug. </p><p>Although they have no qualms with casual touches, this is their first time hugging. This close, Ugetsu can pick up the cedar notes in Kaji’s bergamot cologne. Kaji is warm, solid, and reassuring against him. Shakily, Ugetsu raises his own hands to rest along those powerful shoulders. The grip around his slender frame tightens and he responds by fisting his hands in Kaji’s blazer. </p><p>'What will it be Kaji Akihiko, will you take me flying with you or will you burn me to dust?'</p><p>“It’s a good song,” his sole audience responds at last. “But I can hear your uncertainty in it. What are you overthinking this time?”</p><p>This is why he is unlike anybody Ugetsu has ever met. He doesn’t tell Ugetsu that he’ll do just fine. He doesn’t dismiss his musings as the trivial ramblings of a gifted genius. </p><p>“I pour my heart and soul into my work. What if they don’t understand it? What if they don’t even try to?”</p><p>“Not everybody is going to get it. Just like how not everybody appreciates Dazai Osamu’s stories as deeply as you. But they don’t have to understand it to see that you’re meant for greatness.”</p><p>Kaji, who is as brilliant and defiant as a great phoenix is saying this to him. “I think you’re the one who is meant for greatness,” he quips.</p><p>That elicits a good natured laugh with a hint of bitterness. “Me? Compared to you, I’m just a common scoundrel.”</p><p>“I would rather be a weed in the wild than a rose in a garden,” he murmurs. </p><p>“What was that? I didn’t catch it.”</p><p>“Nothing. Just daydreaming off again...thank you, Akihiko.”</p><p> </p><p>The concert is scheduled for after the final term. The team insists that they can pull strings to get a larger venue on short notice. Ugetsu argues that he wants a smaller concert hall to give the guests a more intimate experience. This will also mean that tickets will be limited and the scramble could get fierce. It’ll ensure that the only people present will be the ones who truly appreciate his work. The team eventually relent and agree to market the exclusivity factor.</p><p>“Kaaajiii-saamaaaa” Ugetsu drawls petulantly through the phone.</p><p>“What do you want?” Although they text during the evenings and weekends, they rarely call. </p><p>“Are you free tomorrow? I have an interesting proposition for you.”</p><p>“Yea, what do you want?”</p><p>Ugetsu launches into an explanation. “Well you see, my father has a fashion designer friend who scheduled a photoshoot. Two of his models are sick, and he can’t find anybody to fill in. My father suggested me, so the friend checked out my instagram and found that photo we took at your butler cafe. He likes what he sees and wants us both to model for him tomorrow. He’ll even pay us extra since it’s such short notice! What do you say?”</p><p>Kaji doesn’t hesitate at the prospect of capitalizing his looks for easy money. “Sure, I’m down. Send me the time and location.”</p><p> </p><p>Turns out the job is right up Kaji’s alley. They’re at a small studio downtown, modeling a line of suits against simplistic furniture. The fashion designer is grateful for them and the team is fun to work with. </p><p>After a series of shots with the two of them sprawled across a couch together, the designer calls for an outfit swap and makeup retouch. </p><p>“Honey, if you’re not going to climb that fine hunk like a tree, I will,” the eccentric teenage makeup artist gushes.</p><p>“Feel free,” Ugetsu teases back. “He’s a real flirt.”</p><p> </p><p>After the shoot, the fashion designer hands them their pay and insists they each take an outfit. The sun has already set by the time the two of them leave the studio. They stop at a fast food joint for dinner and munch on taiyaki as Kaji walks him home.</p><p>“I have another proposition for you,” Ugetsu says as they’re at his door.</p><p>“You’re not going to proposition a date like that makeup artist, are you?” Kaji teases with a sly grin. “I wouldn’t mind if it’s you.”</p><p>Ugetsu flushes red as he stammers, “don’t even!”</p><p>“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. What is it?”</p><p>“I want you to open my show,” Ugetsu says determinedly. “Considering you placed second in the National Competition but haven’t made an appearance since, it’ll give you a good boost so you can-”</p><p>“No.” Kaji’s eyes are ice cold and his jaw is tight. </p><p>He knows that Kaji chose to focus on work instead of competitions, but didn't expected such a hard rejection! “W-why not?! It can help you get noticed by scouts from universities! Don’t you want to major in-”</p><p>“Stop!! Just drop it!! I won’t open your show and you can’t convince me to!!” </p><p>“I’m trying to help you!!” Ugetsu screams back while slamming a fist against his door. Damn! Not a smart idea to hurt his hand like that! At least it was his right one.</p><p>Kaji frowns, watching him curse and bring his bruised hand to his chest. “Look, I know you mean well,” his voice sounds exhausted. “But I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll see you at school, okay?”</p><p>And with that, he quickly strides away. Despite the cool cast of the moonlight, Kaji still looks like he’s on fire.</p><p> </p><p>The next day, Kaji texts him good morning as if their argument never happened. Back at school, there’s no sign of lingering tension.</p><p>Ugetsu is mostly through his first year of high school when he goes to his first party. The redhead’s parents are out of town so he got his older sister to buy booze and agree to throw a party with both their friend circles invited.</p><p>The other boys in the class are drooling at the opportunity to talk to hot college girls.</p><p>“Come on,” Kaji urges when Ugetsu says he has to study for finals. “It’s just one night to let loose. Killing some stress will do you good!”</p><p>Truthfully, his hesitance is because he has no idea what to do or how to act at a party. When he was younger, his diplomat father had taken him to several galas. But a high school party of fellow youth is an entirely different scenario!</p><p>He stares at his search history. ‘What to wear to a party’, ‘how to act at parties’, ‘how to talk to strangers’, 'how to talk to your crush at a party'. Most of the articles are targeted towards teenage girls and state two things: dress hot and get tipsy. The internet search proves useless. </p><p>Ugetsu settles on distressed black skinny jeans and a thin white hoodie. He also takes advantage of his stage makeup skills and brushes on some black eyeliner and mascara. </p><p>When Kaji comes to pick him up, he looks devilishly attractive in figure hugging jeans and a nearly see-through white t-shirt.</p><p>“Hoping to get some numbers tonight?” Ugetsu teases. It’s no secret that Kaji sometimes indulges the girls interested in him, but he would never commit to one.</p><p>“Who knows?” he smirks back.</p><p> </p><p>Unsurprisingly, Kaji turns a lot of heads and gets a lot of attention. Regardless of this, he senses Ugetsu’s anxiety with an unfamiliar environment and stays close to his side. One particularly drunken college girl giggles as she calls them a cute couple.</p><p>Ugetsu blushes crimson, which causes her to giggle more. He regrets not putting on foundation as well.</p><p>Speaking of booze, it turns out Kaji has great taste for mixing drinks, as if he had been drinking underage for a while. Ugetsu supposes he has been drinking underage for a while too if wine when his father takes him out for dinner counts.</p><p>They find themselves sitting around the couches in a mixed group of high schoolers and college students when the redhead host suggests a dumb game. “It’s called ‘what age did it all go wrong’. It’s simple, we go around saying how old we were when our lives started going to shit,” he drunkenly slurs.</p><p>“Thirteen when I got dumped the first time!”</p><p>“Fifteen when my parents divorced.”</p><p>“Twelve when I walked in on my older brother doing it.”</p><p>“Eight when my parents cheated on each other.”</p><p>“Eighteen when I flunked first year.”</p><p>It’s Kaji’s turn. “Thirteen.”</p><p>“Ehh, you gotta tell us why!” the redhead protests.  </p><p>“It’s none of your business if he doesn’t want to say,” Ugetsu snaps.</p><p>The group agrees that they shouldn’t be indecently pushy.</p><p>“Okay fine,” the redhead relents with a pout. “Your turn, Ugetsu. At least tell us an age.”</p><p>Ugetsu isn’t sure if it’s the drinks he’s had or if it’s the way Kaji’s earnest gaze opens him up. He’s usually bad with expressing his emotions, but as he’s sitting on the armrest of the couch with Kaji’s arm holding him steady...somehow that makes it easy. “What if...” he glances around at all the eyes on him, “what if I said that I was born ‘wrong’? What if I never knew what it’s like to feel ‘right’ and that’s why I play the violin? Sometimes when I play, I feel ‘right’, but I will never be ‘right’.”</p><p>Damn, he should have made up an answer, because now all eyes are on him with mixed expressions of horror, confusion, and pity. He honestly doesn’t care about their reactions because they’ll all forget just as quickly. Just as quickly as the critics devour his music one second and are hungry again the next. Truly, it’s Kaji’s reaction he fears the most. </p><p>Wordlessly, Kaji grabs him by the hand and walks them both out the front door. The night air is cool and refreshing because of the warm spring.</p><p>Ugetsu thought Kaji just wanted to get some air together, but it seems like the plan is to leave the party and walk him home instead. He doesn’t complain, but the bizarre reaction puzzles him. It’s worse since Kaji’s strides are so fast that Ugetsu can only see his back. The grip on his hand is tight, but not painful.</p><p>“Why are you angry?”</p><p>Without a warning, the strides stop and Ugetsu is pulled firmly into a warm, solid chest. They’re standing hip to hip. Kaji’s hand is holding the back of Ugetsu’s head and Ugetsu’s face is against Kaji’s collarbone.</p><p>“I can’t imagine how painful it gets, but don’t ever lose your emotions.” Kaji’s soft voice contradicts his possessive hold. “You say you play music because you feel wrong, but it’s because you feel wrong that your music is this good. The rest of us are nothing compared to you. You will continue to suffer, but you will make history.”</p><p> </p><p>Ugetsu is five years old and he doesn’t understand why he cries more than other kids.</p><p>He’s seven years old and he’s screaming and throwing expensive glassware at his father for having the affair that drove his mother away. </p><p>He’s nine years old and he starts reading the great works of Japanese literature to understand the world.</p><p>He’s ten years old and branded as the quiet weirdo kid who’s always reading or playing violin.</p><p>He’s eleven years old and he wins the very first competition he plays in with only a fraction of the other contestants’ experience. One by one, he surpasses all his instructors until he stands alone.</p><p>He’s twelve years old and he learns to smile and wave while hiding the hurricane so deep and violent that he can feel in it his bone marrow. </p><p>He’s thirteen when he decides to mess up in a competition the first time. The judges interpret his fumble as an artistic choice and reward him first place. Because it’s unthinkable to them at he’d make such an elementary mistake.</p><p>He’s sixteen and his most precious friend is the first person to even try to understand him.</p><p>He’s sixteen and he’s crying into Kaji’s white shirt, staining it with black mascara tears. Kaji’s hand grips his hair. The hold is tight, it’s hard to breathe, but it’s not painful. That’s just like Kaji. He’s crass and scary-looking but he has a heart of gold. He’s good, strong, kind, and so incredibly free. He wants to beg Kaji to save him, but that’s way too much pressure to put on a fellow teenager who’s also trying to figure himself out. “I’m ruining your shirt,” Ugetsu mumbles.</p><p>“That’s fine. It’s replaceable, but you aren’t.”</p><p> </p><p>Final exams come and go. Their other friends whoop for joy of being free, but he and Kaji have no such time to spare. Ugetsu has his first ever concert to finish practicing for. </p><p>Now that the school year has ended, Kaji gets busy again. Ugetsu assumes it’s because of his work and doesn’t ask. Kaji assures him that he’ll be at the concert though. </p><p>When the fateful evening finally rolls around, it’s no surprise that there’s a full house. The crowd is an interesting one. Critics and musical ‘connoisseurs’ arrive dressed to the nines. But since this venue does not have a dress code, some guests attend in casual street clothes. Despite this being a breakthrough moment in his career, his own father couldn’t make it. Apparently he had gotten caught up in a work crisis. The private balcony that he reserved goes to Kaji instead. </p><p>The balcony has seats for two people and Kaji could have used this show to impress a date, but he texts Ugetsu that he came alone. </p><p>The crowd goes silent as Ugetsu takes the stage. Although the lights are bright, he sees faces brimming with anticipation. Actual faces with various features instead of the faceless nightmare visions. Just as he intended. The stage costume he commissioned is a sleek, black silhouette draped with delicate layers of shimmering red chiffon. His hair is purposely styled messy and there’s a lacquered mask covering half his face. Overall, his look is artistically wild. Another unconventional choice is his decision to only use a handful of backup players when he could have had dozens.</p><p>“Thank you all for attending my first concert,” he addresses the crowd. With the small size and acoustics of the venue, there’s no need for a microphone. “This is a very special moment for me, which would not have happened without all your support over the years. I hope my performance tonight will prove to be just as special to you.”</p><p>And with that, the lights dim and he begins to play. The repertoire he put together is just as eccentric as his choices so far. Some are classically inspired songs, some are his own covers of western alternative pop, and some are entirely new beasts. </p><p>He takes a few moments between each song to tell the audience tidbits of his inspirations. It feels like a conversation instead of a show. For the first time, he can imagine most of the audience smiling and crying with him even if they’re getting just a fraction of the maelstrom. </p><p>Soon enough, it’s time for the finale.</p><p>“This last song is dedicated to a very precious person. I believe it’s impossible to understand someone else completely, but he showed me the worth in trying. You know who you are. Thank you for coming into my life.”</p><p>He begins the last melody. The melody that was the true start of his and Kaji’s...friendship is too light of a word. But relationship isn’t the right word either since neither of them have actually made a move yet.</p><p>He gives himself to the music. He will give himself to the tides.</p><p>When it’s over, everybody buzzes as they filter out of the venue. No doubt the critics who appreciate the radical will sing him praises. The PR coordinator rattles off about all the hype on social media already. Despite this concert just ending, people are eager to see his next move.</p><p>Kaji shows up in the dressing room looking like he walked straight out of a magazine. He’s wearing the suit he had gotten from the photoshoot and his hair is gelled back. His piercings give the polished look a rebellious edge.</p><p>There’s a bouquet in his hand and he’s smiling at Ugetsu like he had hung the stars.</p><p>Ugetsu launches himself to hug him, not minding the bouquet getting crushed between them. “I meant what I said,” he starts with tears in his eyes. “Thank you, thank you for being the first person to understand me, I never thought I’d-”</p><p>He’s cut off with a kiss. Kaji’s lip rings feel cool while his tongue is scorching hot. Ugetsu is so shocked that his own lips fall slack. Kaji takes his inaction as discomfort. </p><p>He pulls himself back with a bit of panic in his green eyes, but his pupils are still blown wide. “I’m sorry, am I reading this wrong?”</p><p>“No,” Ugetsu stands on his tiptoes and gently takes that handsomely angular face into his hands. “I like you too. What do you want to be?” Truthfully, he doesn’t know where he wants this to go.</p><p>Turns out that Kaji doesn’t either. “I don’t know, but we don’t need to put a label on it.”</p><p>He leans down to kiss Ugetsu again. Ugetsu kisses back this time. </p><p>He doesn’t know if Kaji will destroy him or set him free. He doesn’t know which he would prefer.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The photoshoot with the suits is inspired by the <a href="https://given.fandom.com/wiki/Ugetsu_Murata/Image_Gallery?file=Chapter_14_color_image.png">cover of code 14.</a></p><p>In canon, Ugetsu was winning international competitions at this point, but I dialed him back so I can show his growth and sacrifice throughout the years.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Your Smile (the rise)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His first year of high school ends on the highest of the highs, but his second year starts with the lowest of the lows. </p><p>All things considered, he’s managing it just fine. He’s been balancing schoolwork, the takeoff of his musical career, weekly flights, and making sure everybody stays out of his personal business. His friends whine whenever he blows them off over the weekend. Kaji is curious why he has become so scarce, but doesn’t pry.</p><p>Really, he has been doing just fine until he loses his mind in class. </p><p>They’re getting back their final essays for the first term. He looks at his essay written and revised entirely on planes. Nakahara Chuya’s poems and our wish for simplicity. Ninety percent.</p><p>“Top grade of the year goes to class B. I’m sure Murata-kun will take back the lead next term,” the teacher jokes and the class chuckles along.</p><p>“Damn! I lost the bet!”</p><p>“Only ninety percent? What happened to you?”</p><p>“Yea, he’s been off all term! Don’t tell me he’s busy with a girlfriend!”</p><p>“Ehh, is that why he’s never around on weekends anymore?!”</p><p>He finally loses it after months of stress. “All of you, shut the hell up!!” he screams as he stands up so forcefully he knocks his chair over.</p><p>“Murata-kun! That’s no way to-”</p><p>“You too, teacher!! Shut the hell up!!” he interrupts. “All you losers ever do is judge others and expect more!! Tell me, what have any of you ever accomplished?! You gossip and criticize to distract yourself from your own sad lives instead of growing a fucking pair and dealing with the pain!!”</p><p>The teacher goes purple in the face as he shouts, “detention after school today, Murata Ugetsu! This behaviour is unacceptable!”</p><p>He storms out of the classroom and slams the door behind him. </p><p>He skips class the rest of the day to focus on catching up on studying. It’s not like he doesn’t have detention already. When the school day ends, he expects to spend the detention period alone in an empty classroom getting more studying done. </p><p>He doesn’t expect Akihiko Kaji to waltz in and plop himself down in front of him.</p><p>“What’d you do to get detention?” he asks. </p><p>“Cussed out the teacher for bad mouthing you after you left.” He spreads his own textbooks out. “What do you need help with?”</p><p>Damn. Kaji looks like a scary delinquent who can get away with murder, but he truly is too good for this world. </p><p>Ugetsu sighs and thumps his head against his math textbook. “I have a basic understanding of it all, but I already know my exam scores are going to be shot compared to usual.”</p><p>“We’ll start with chapter nine. It’ll have the questions worth the most points.”</p><p>“My father’s not doing well,” he blurts. “You’ve been wondering why I haven’t been around, right? He’s really sick and he’s staying at this specialized hospital in Beijing. I tried to convince him to let me take a term off to be with him, but he wouldn’t have it. So I’ve been flying over every weekend to see him.”</p><p>“How serious is it?” Kaji’s tone is neutral. No prying, judgement, or pity. </p><p>“He’s on a wait list and they believe he’ll get the surgery done around winter. He’s been able to do some work remotely, which helps. The doctors are hopeful about his case, but there’s always the possibility that he won’t make it to the surgery day.” Ugetsu doesn’t bother to hide how he begins to choke on tears. He’s too fucking tired. “My father has been absent most of my life, but I don’t resent him for it anymore. After my mother left, it’s just been the two of us. I’m terrified of losing him!”</p><p>He startles a little when he feels a heavy hand settle in his hair. Kaji doesn’t say anything, understanding there’s nothing he could say that will make it better.</p><p>Kaji eventually decides to share about himself too. “I’ve been living on my own since I was thirteen. My family is rich, but I always had disagreements with my folks. They blew a gasket when they found out I’m gay. So I left home when I was thirteen. My dad wanted to disown me, but my mom talked him out of it. She still tries to send me money and get me to reconnect with them, but I want none of it. My first job was at a convenience store owned by a really understanding couple. They told the customers I was their adoptive son if they asked why a kid was working. They also helped me find the apartment I live at with four other roommates.”</p><p>Ugetsu takes his face out of his tear-stained textbook and looks up at Kaji. Brilliant, strong, glorious Kaji. There’s so much he could ask, but one detail catches his attention. “Why did you humor those girls if you’re gay?”</p><p>“Well, I do find women physically attractive, but I can never fall in love with one. Does that make sense?”</p><p>“Could you fall in love with me?”</p><p>Their faces are so close now. Their lips are only centimeters apart. “You are my first love,” Kaji replies. “I couldn’t get you out of my mind since I first heard you play.”</p><p>“I couldn’t get you out of my mind either.” The distance between them closes.</p><p> </p><p>With Kaji’s help, he manages to score higher than expected on final exams. He flies to Beijing to spend summer break with his father. Being the son of a diplomat, Ugetsu is fluent in English and Korean as well as Japanese. His Mandarin is fairly rough, but he gets by. Thankfully, street signs and menus have English translations. </p><p>Whenever his father deems him too overbearing, he gets forced to go do something ‘fun’ in the city center. As if there’s anything fun about these constant trips and worry. He better score some free flights considering how much business he’s giving the airline. During the month and a half he stays in Beijing, he finds a music studio to frequent for violin practice. </p><p>Although Kaji is busy working back home, he makes time to have a video call every few days. While mindlessly browsing the shops, Ugetsu finds himself buying a few things that would look good on Kaji. </p><p>The weeks pass by languidly until it’s time for the flight back. </p><p>“Welcome home,” Kaji greets. “I dusted the place for you and did the laundry you threw around like a slob. Dinner’s in the oven and it’ll be ready in a few.”</p><p>Ugetsu lets his suitcase fall to the side and throws himself into Kaji’s arms. Wonderful, kind, Kaji Akihiko. He leans his head against a solid shoulder as they lounge around while waiting for the oven timer to ding. They make light conversation about what Beijing is like and stories from Kaji’s work.</p><p>When they’re finished eating, Ugetsu opens his suitcase and starts shoving the gifts into Kaji’s hands. </p><p>“They had some pretty good streetwear brands and I thought you’d like these. I also found a music shop that had the new CDs you wanted, and this small bookstore had the collector’s version of your favorite series. And I also got this liquor for you from the duty free store since you drink with your roommates now and then. There’s also this-”</p><p>“Ugetsu,” Kaji interrupts, looking stoic. “You didn’t have to get me all this. You don’t owe me anything for supporting you.”</p><p>“This is hardly anything!” Actually...on second thought...it is a lot. He hadn’t realized how much stuff it really is.</p><p>As if sensing his train of thought, Kaji raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“Look, this is nothing compared to what my father’s lackeys give him. I didn’t get all this because I think I owe you. I just wanted to.” Ugetsu leans in to peck him on the cheek. “Don’t overthink it, okay?”</p><p>Muscular arms wrap around his slim waist. “Alright. Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>Second term is better. Not good, since Ugetsu is still travelling every week, constantly sleep deprived, none of his problems are actually solved, and the music scene is getting restless for his next move. He hasn’t done a performance since his first concert and he even missed the National Violin Competition this year. His team is spreading the word that he’s busy preparing for something huge...which he has no clue what it’ll be. So yea, no pressure at all. </p><p>It’s lucky that his father’s condition has been kept hush hush, so at least strangers online aren’t storming his social media. </p><p>With Kaji coming over more often and making study guides for him, things are more bearable. Ugetsu still wakes up crying in the middle of the night now and then. Sometimes, he initiates hugs that go on in silence for minutes. Sometimes, he lashes out in class but he keeps himself in check enough to not wind up in detention. The last thing his father needs is the school calling him over disciplinary issues. </p><p> </p><p>The culture festival rolls around in the middle of autumn. Their class of idiots decide on a maid cafe where boys and girls will both be in costumes. </p><p>Two days before the culture festival, they’re borrowing the home economics room to panic bake all the treats and sew together maid costumes. </p><p>Unsurprisingly, the costumes end up so rushed that they decide the servers should just wear the girl’s uniforms instead. And then they realize they idiotically never decided on who the maids and kitchen staff should be. The redhead class president gets the bright idea of putting everybody’s names in a bag and doing a random draw. </p><p>“Okay...so it looks like our female maids will be Nakamura, Asahi, and Hiiragi. Kuro and Mina can be the host and hostess since they’re also good looking. And our male maids are...drumroll please! Kaji Akihiko and Murata Ugetsu!”</p><p>“No way!” Ugetsu retorts. “You totally rigged it!”</p><p>“Argh! I’ve been caught!” the class president exclaims dramatically. “But you and Akihiko are the best looking guys! We’ll get a lot more customers if you two do it!”</p><p>The rest of the class nod along and send him pleading looks. Ugetsu glares at all of them, but he doubts he looks threatening with pink icing smudged on his face.</p><p>“I think it’ll be fun, honey,” Kaji purrs seductively as he saunters over. He places one hand on Ugetsu’s hip and he wipes some icing off with his other hand. “Give them a little fan service and the first place winner will be us.” Green eyes bore dangerously into his grey ones as Kaji licks the icing off his thumb with a tantalizing flick of his tongue.</p><p>The rest of the class scream and cheer. Ugetsu’s soul exits his body. </p><p> </p><p>The dreaded day comes along. To give the class a good shot at first place, Ugetsu agrees to be a maid. They have to take this chance to stick it to class B! However, he draws a line in the sand. If any of them, Kaji included, try to pressure him into doing fan service, he will leave immediately. </p><p>Murata Ugetsu, prodigious weirdo who had played on more stages than he can count, never thought that he’d experience wearing a girl’s uniform. It’s less restrictive than the boy’s uniform, but he’s constantly hyper aware of the skirt hem. If any pervs try to flip his skirt, they’re getting a broken hand in return.</p><p>He’s a jittery mess until Kaji, with his girl’s uniform straining to contain his muscles, struts into the classroom as if he’s walking a fashion show. He strikes pose after dramatic pose, with this trademark stoic expression. The class howls in laughter. Some of them whip out their phones to take pictures, which motivates Kaji even more. Ugetsu himself is hunched over with tears in his eyes. Dying of suffocation while laughing is not the worst way to go.</p><p>As predicted, their maid cafe brings in a lot of business despite their products being so-so at best. He and Kaji are undeniably the main attractions, but Kaji diverts the attention to himself whenever he senses Ugetsu getting overwhelmed. He’s more than happy to pose for photos with the guests as Ugetsu takes them.</p><p>All things considered, it’s a pretty good day. Despite the heavy burdens on his mind, he’s having fun. Kaji makes it fun...</p><p>Until a woman walks in. She’s dressed casually, but his keen eye can tell that her outfit is expensive. She has long blonde hair, emerald green eyes, and a breathtaking face. The spitting image of Kaji.</p><p>“Table for one, please. And can the tall one serve me?”</p><p>“C-certainly!! Right this way!!” the blushing host stammers. “Akihiko, you’ve got a customer!”</p><p>Ugetsu is frozen in his tracks right now. It’s like watching a freak accident seconds before it happens, knowing there’s nothing you can do.</p><p>The woman’s lips are in a tight smile and Kaji approaches her with a scowl. It’s clear she disapproves of her son’s clothing choices but is determined to talk to him. “It has been a while, my son.”</p><p>“I have nothing to say to you, mother. How did you even find this school?”</p><p>The woman’s red lips go thinner. “I’m your mother, I have the right to know certain things.”</p><p>“So you hired a private investigator? Good for you, but please get out of my face now. You’re not welcome in my life and you know why.”</p><p>“If we could just-”</p><p>Other guests are starting to glance over. Kaji looks like he’s about to flip a table. Ugetsu remembers that Kaji’s parents disapprove of the fact that he’s gay. His body lunges into action before his mind can catch up.</p><p>“Honeyyy,” he pouts as he sidles up to Kaji and runs his artful hands down a broad chest. “Why are you ignoring me? Is she prettier than I am?” He takes a moment to get a good look at the woman. Her expression remains stony, but there is fury burning in her eyes. “Ah, she must be your mother! I can certainly see where you get your looks from.” He pulls himself closer and rests a hand along Kaji’s angular jawline. </p><p>Guests from the other tables lose their minds as several girls scream in delight and phone cameras flash. The woman briskly stands up and leaves. </p><p>He can feel Kaji’s muscles uncoil. “Thanks,” he grunts and turns back to the table he had been serving before the intrusion. </p><p>The rest of the day goes on without a hitch. Kaji doesn’t bring up his mother again. Ugetsu doesn’t ask. After all, there’s nothing he can say to make it better.</p><p> </p><p>Kaji is walking him home as they nibble on leftover ice cream and banter companionably.</p><p>“Can’t believe I lost the School Mister contest to you..the mister is supposed to be handsome! Not a delicate looking flower boy like you who uses girly body wash,” Kaji grumbles.</p><p>“You were just going for the prize money, they sensed your grubby fingers and gave their votes to sweet, virtuous me instead.”</p><p>“Shut up. Why the hell did you even enter anyways?”</p><p>“Fighting for my man,” Ugetsu singsongs. “Haven’t you heard that the girls are going to get the School Miss to make a move on whoever is Mister? To think I’d have to defend you from other women twice in the same day.”</p><p>“You’re just jealous my fanclub overtook yours.”</p><p>“And you’re a buffoon who doesn’t know that passion will always triumph over greed.”</p><p> </p><p>The next time Kaji finds him crying, it started over something dumb.</p><p>They were about to dissect frogs in biology class and scalpels were being passed around. Ugetsu reached for it without thinking, and the moment he held the cool metal in his hand, something snapped in his brain.</p><p>He slammed the scalpel on the table and fled the classroom. He blinked and somehow he ended up in an outdoors stairwell, sitting hunched over with his head in his arms. </p><p>Soon enough, a presence climbs the stairs and sits next to him. There’s a flick of something metallic and tobacco smoke fills the air.</p><p>“I didn’t know you smoke, Kaji.”</p><p>“Only sometimes. Started around the same time you did.” Damn. Ugetsu honestly thought he had been hiding it well.  </p><p>“I only do it sometimes as well.” </p><p>A cigarette box is wordlessly offered to him. He picks one and Kaji lights it for him. The two of them silently inhale their death sticks. There’s nothing to say because nothing can be said.</p><p>“This is my lock screen,” Kaji turns his phone on and shoves it into his hands. </p><p>It’s a photo of Ugetsu with a japanese maple tree in the background. He remembers it from the day they crashed the butler cafe. He must have been laughing at one of the redhead’s dumb jokes when Kaji took this. </p><p>“It’s such an ugly photo of me,” he pouts. Truly, it’s not his best. His wide mouthed expression does nothing to flatter his face shape. His cheeks still have some baby fat although his jawline is pointed. His grey eyes are on the larger side, but they’re not so large that they look angelically innocent. Here, they’re squinted into thin crescents. All in all, that photo botches his natural features. </p><p>“I like the way you smile,” Kaji justifies simply. He understands Ugetsu enough to just state the fact. He doesn’t say wishy washy things like how he wants him to smile more. </p><p>“Why don’t we take one together when I’m not such a mess?”</p><p>“Okay. But I’m keeping this one until then.”</p><p> </p><p>The next time they have a moment, it’s Kaji who is a mess. </p><p>Ugetsu is wracking his brain over a new piece he’s writing when Kaji lets himself into the house with his spare key. Although this is nothing out of the ordinary, Ugetsu can sense that something is wrong. </p><p>He offers his cigarette pack and lighter. </p><p>“I got fired from work,” Kaji scowls deeply after taking a few drags. “Well, technically I quit. This girl brought her asshole boyfriend and it just so happened that a gay couple was sitting next to them. That bigoted waste of space said some really messed up, homophobic shit to them. The manager refused to do anything, so I kicked the guy and his girlfriend out. When he tried to start a fight with me, I whooped his ass in the middle of the street.”</p><p>“You did the right thing.” It’s not the first time Kaji fought for a noble purpose. Though it’s pretty rare for anyone to be dumb enough to start a fight with him. Kaji had gotten out of it without a single scratch.</p><p>He finishes the cigarette and lights a second. “The manager threatened to call the cops and have me jailed. I told him to go ahead and I’ll break every bone in his greasy face.”</p><p>Ugetsu whistles. “Damn, couldn’t he come after you for that?”</p><p>“Nah, the place pays in cash and I never told them my real name.” Another display of cunning street smarts. “It was a nice job while it lasted. I got severance pay so I’ll be fine until I find another one. Wouldn’t be hard for me.”</p><p>“Why don’t you move in?”</p><p>Kaji faces him, dumbfounded. “Huh?”</p><p>“You come here all the time anyways and you even have a key,” Ugetsu reasons. “You won’t even have to pay rent since my father owns this house. There’s enough space for you to put all your stuff and you’ll even get access to my practice room! Aren’t you trying to save up for university? This is the smart thing to do.”</p><p>Kaji puts out the cigarette and scrubs his hands down his face. “Remember when you lost your shit in class and yelled at everyone? Do you know why I didn’t jump to defend your honour?”</p><p>“Because your thick skull took too long to process the situation.”</p><p>“It’s because some fights we have to fight alone. I’ve been doing fine for myself this long. What meaning would it have if I just take the easy way out now?”</p><p>“There doesn’t have to be a deeper meaning to this,” Ugetsu argues against the prideful front. “Not everything has to have some deep meaning. You’re allowed to take a convenient opportunity. You can be the housekeeper if it stops you from feeling like a freeloader.”</p><p>“Can we not have this conversation right now? I’m really not in the mood.”</p><p>That’s a drop it for now, but not a drop it forever. Ugetsu can respect this. “Sure, Kaji. I was about to order thai for dinner. I’ll add in a second portion for you.”</p><p>His guest pipes up as he’s tapping away at the food delivery app. “You know what, just call me by my first name. We’ve seen enough of each other’s undignified moments and I’ve been calling you by first name since the start.”</p><p>“Alright...Akihiko...though Aki sounds cuter.”</p><p>“Whatever you want.”</p><p> </p><p>Sure enough, Aki gets a job at a chain convenience store within three days. He laments that the pay isn’t as good as the cafe, but he’s happy with the free food. </p><p>“You need to eat things other than convenience store food,” Ugetsu scolds as he drops a basket of fruits and vegetables on Aki’s desk during homeroom. “How are you going to make it big in music if you drop dead from vitamin deficiency?”</p><p>“What a tsundere, just say you care about him!” the redhead teases.</p><p>“Aren’t those from the fancy market? Be my wife instead, Ugetsu-kun!” The brunette is making kissy faces.</p><p>“Both you idiots, shut up,” Aki scolds as he opens a package of strawberries. “Because he’s my wife,” he concludes triumphantly. </p><p>“You know what, go ahead and get high sodium before you’re twenty five. I don’t care anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>Exam season before winter break starts with good news. It’s finally his father’s turn for the surgery! It’ll happen three days after christmas. Ugetsu can spend another school break in Beijing to be there for him, and he even convinces Aki to come along! When the prideful brute offers to pay for his own flight and half the hotel, Ugetsu waves it off since it’s all free. About time the airline rewards his frequent flyer status. </p><p>News of his diplomat father’s impending surgery finally gets out. Social media gets flooded with well wishes and just a few vulturous tabloid reporters. Ugetsu’s fans even encourage him to take more time off. With the end of the tunnel in sight, he pushes through the last few late nighters of the school year.</p><p>He and Aki leave for the airport hours after getting their final grades back. He’s absolutely exhausted and conks out against Aki’s shoulder the entire flight. </p><p>They spend their first few days in Beijing resting up while visiting Ugetsu’s father. He seems happy that his son has finally made such a good ‘friend’.</p><p>“You haven’t told him you’re gay?” Aki questions once they’re alone.</p><p>“To be honest, I don’t know what I am. I just see people. I think I can find someone attractive and want to date them regardless of gender, but I’m not sure if bisexual is the right word.”</p><p>“Does this mean we’re dating?” He’s pulled by his scarf against Aki’s chest. Snowflakes flutter softly around them. The city looks stunning, illuminated in the holiday lights that are still up. </p><p>“Idiot,” Ugetsu teases, emphasizing each syllable. “I have never let anyone this close.”</p><p>“Okay, boyfriend,” Aki murmurs and leans down to capture his lips.</p><p>“Boyfriend,” Ugetsu murmurs back between kisses.</p><p> </p><p>The day of his father’s surgery rolls around and he’s a jittery mess from not sleeping all night, smoking a handful of cigarettes, and downing cup after cup of the free coffee from the hospital.</p><p>Aki cuts him off when he starts musing about seeing sounds after his seventh cup. </p><p>“I know it’s stupid,” Ugetsu confides. “I know he’s been alright so far and the surgery is very low risk, but I can’t stop thinking about the what-if’s. He doesn’t even want my mother to know since the reason she finally walked out on us is his affairs. Him and I have nothing in common, but we’re the only family we got. I’m scared that we’ll just go back to being more or less estranged again, and next time something like this happens, it’ll be too late.”</p><p>“You are the most incredible son anybody could ask for,” Aki states resolutely as he hugs him.</p><p>The surgery goes through without a hitch. His father will be on a complication-free recovery. After the tearful congratulations, his father forbids him from running himself ragged visiting every weekend until he’s out of the hospital for good. Aki, the traitor, agrees that Ugetsu should focus on getting his grades back up for the third term. They decide that Ugetsu will visit him once a month from now on no matter where he is. No more going indefinite periods of time without seeing each other.</p><p>“I want to play a concert in this city one day,” Ugetsu decides as they’re heading back to the hotel. “I want to play in cities all over the world. I want to stand on the world stage.”</p><p>Aki’s warm hand tightens around his. “You will. You’re already taking Japan. It’s only a matter of time before you take the world.” </p><p>Their conversation diverts to smaller topics. Like the new friends Aki met through his new job and Ugetsu’s plans to get even with his academic rival from class B. The two of them stop at an outdoors holiday market to grab dinner. They return to the hotel to laze around in the hot tub while drinking champagne. </p><p>“I think I know what my next move is,” Ugetsu starts once their conversation lulls.</p><p>“Do tell.” Aki pours himself another glass. That guy can really hold his liquor. </p><p>“All those months while I was stressed, I wrote a lot of music. Sometimes it was on the planes, sometimes it was when I woke up crying at night, sometimes it was when I couldn’t sleep,” he smiles bittersweetly at the memories. The experience was horrible, but it wasn’t useless. “A lot of it is rough because I came up with it in the moment and never touched it again, but I think I have enough for another solo show. I want to play on a bigger stage this time. I want more people to hear how much I care.”</p><p>Aki puts down his glass and takes both of Ugetsu’s hands in his own. “You are incredible.”</p><p>“You’re the incredible one, Akihiko,” he replies and leans his forehead down to both pairs of hands. “As the person who has been my pillar, will you listen?”</p><p>He doesn’t see what expression Aki makes as he agrees. </p><p>Soon enough, Aki dries them both off and they’re stumbling to the king size bed with their hands all over each other. Ugetsu has never done it with anyone before, but he considers himself to be a romantic. There’s no better time than when he and his boyfriend have recently become official, he feels light hearted for the first time in almost a year, and they’re in a hotel room in a different country. </p><p>Aki’s hands drip in lava as he takes him apart gently. He playfully moves Ugetsu’s arms out of the way whenever he tries to hide behind them. Those pierced lips taste like both poison and ecstasy. He floods every inch and crevice of Ugetsu’s being. </p><p>All he can feel is Aki. All he can smell is Aki’s natural musk with a hint of the hotel’s soap. He throws his head back and sees a fantastical expanse of space instead of a beige ceiling. </p><p>Ugetsu is right in front of a crimson star that will swallow him whole. The flares burn so hot and passionately. It’s the same fire from the only time he has ever heard Akihiko play. At his back, he can feel the presence of another star. He can’t see it, but he can feel it. Its aura resonates with him so deeply that he wonders if this is what his soul is made out of. Maybe he was created in this starfire rather than a womb. The aura is incredibly powerful, but colder and sadder than the crimson star. Unsure of where to go, he’s caught between the two nebulous forces.</p><p> </p><p>“You slept well, I must’ve really tired you out,” Aki smirks the next morning as he wakes Ugetsu with coffee. </p><p>“Shut up, you madman,” he grumbles and snatches the cup.</p><p>The teasing doesn’t let up. “Don’t feel too bad. With some practice, maybe you’ll get on my level one day...maybe...”</p><p>“Ugh whatever. Where do you want to go today?”</p><p>“How about the aquarium?”</p><p>They spend the rest of winter break visiting Ugetsu’s father in the mornings and sightseeing during the afternoons and evenings. They do ‘it’ several more times, but honestly, Ugetsu does not have the physical stamina to keep up with his beast of a boyfriend. This is the physical difference between an untamable warrior and a coddled prince.</p><p> </p><p>The final term feels like a cakewalk compared to the previous two. With a clear mind and manageable emotions, his grades shoot up. It’s easier to balance schoolwork with music now that he’s not hanging onto his sanity by a thread.</p><p>Despite the intense jetlag, Ugetsu insists on visiting his father every month no matter how long the flights are. He visits him once more in Beijing. Then, he takes days off school to visit him in London after midterms and in Liverpool before preparations for finals and the concert start getting busy.</p><p>Speaking of which, his team, fans, critics, and music enthusiasts are all ecstatic that he decided to have the show in Japan’s largest concert hall. Unlike his first show which was intimate and exclusive, this one will be highly accessible. </p><p>This team didn’t even have to call in any favors for such a short notice booking. Murata Ugetsu’s return to the stage after an unprecedented absence is highly anticipated. </p><p>This time, he doesn’t feel the fear of not being understood. With Aki and his father in the audience, he doesn’t fear the faceless puppets. </p><p>This time, his stage outfit is figure-hugging and snowy white with crystals sewn into the fabric. Pale turquoise chiffon drapes behind him in an impressive train. The outfits for the backup players are white suits with matching turquoise ties.</p><p>“Thank you all for awaiting my return,” he speaks into the microphone. “As you listen to the songs I have prepared for you tonight, do not think about them as separate entities. They are a progression of everything I have feared and dreamed this past year. The core of them is one and the same.”</p><p>One of the venue staff runs by to take the wireless microphone from him. Another hands him his violin and bow.</p><p>The lights dim.</p><p> </p><p>Ugetsu shuts his eyes and begins. He can feel blue stage lights illuminating him in an ethereal glow, as if it’s a star at his back.</p><p>He plays with a cold flame at his fingertips and his own heartstrings taunt on his bow. For any other musician, it would feel excruciating. But for Ugetsu, he is set free. </p><p>Until the last note fades. His fingertips burn despite the callouses he built over the years. Several of them are bleeding from how hard he pushed the finale. The audience’s roar sounds like a tsunami. </p><p>He smiles and bows. He is grounded again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The lock screen is <a href="https://given.fandom.com/wiki/Ugetsu_Murata/Image_Gallery?file=Ugetsu_in_fall.jpg"> this picture from the wiki image gallery. </a><br/>The school festival scenes are based off the <a href="https://mangakakalot.com/chapter/given/chapter_31.6"> extra panels in code 28 </a> (I freaking choked on air)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Blue Star (the height)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>At the end of this chapter, there will be a slightly more descriptive sex scene now that they’re over 18. However, it’ll be nowhereee near explicit. My style is to always, always focus more on what it reflects about the relationship. (Because I’m a blushing romantic)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Around the start of their final year in high school, Aki uses his parent’s divorce as the reason to move in. Even though he hasn’t lived at home since he was thirteen. Even though he has been estranged from them since then.</p><p>“I don’t need my mother sending her private investigators to give my roommates trouble. They’re all good people just trying to live their damn lives,” Aki justifies when he shows up at the door with nothing but a duffel bag.</p><p>“So you’d rather them give me trouble?” Ugetsu quips teasingly. </p><p>The distance between them is closed with a few of Aki’s long strides. “If that happens,” he murmurs seductively, “we’ll scare them off by letting them walk in on us. Speaking of which, I got something that would look good on you.” He hands over a costume package that had been concealed in his jacket. </p><p>It’s a naugthy rendition of wedding lingerie. </p><p>How crass of his libido crazed boyfriend. It cracks him up nonetheless. “So does this mean I can put you in a maid costume? Since you’ll be the one doing all the chores.”</p><p>“I’d be a hot maid, and you know it,” Aki says as he pushes him towards the bathroom to go change. </p><p> </p><p>In the days that follow, Aki forgoes hiring a moving service and moves all his things into the house single handedly. Ugetsu knows the guy is strong...but holy hell!</p><p>The small house he has lived alone in since he was thirteen becomes a home for two. Aki’s equipment is in the basement practice studio. His massive CD collection takes up a fair portion of the living room, and Ugetsu clears out half of the walk-in closet to make space for Aki’s clothes.</p><p>“How did you have all this stuff when you were living with four roommates?” he grumbles as he packs another box to shove under the bed. </p><p>“To be fair, I kept my drums in the studio I was renting and one of the guys has a storage unit he let us all use.” For someone who dresses casually when he has the option, Aki has a lot of formal clothes that need to be hung up.</p><p>As Ugetsu folds up the costume from his first solo concert, he spots a detail that makes his hands clench the red lacquered mask. “Why are you putting your violin in the closet instead of the practice room?”</p><p>Aki’s tone is conversational, but his rigid shoulders give him away. “I haven’t played violin much since I got busy with work and picked up the drums again. My coworkers from the convenience store got me back into it. Several of them are in bands and it looks like a lot of fun.”</p><p>“Since when?” </p><p>“Huh? What are you daydreaming off about this time?”</p><p>Ugetsu frowns and crosses his arms. If the situation is that simple, Aki would have been telling him about it during their conversations. He wouldn’t have let Ugetsu assume he was picking up shifts whenever he was busy. If he still cares about his violin, it would not be shoved into the closet like an old relic! “Since when did you quit violin to mess around with bands?! Don’t you want to be a music major?!”</p><p>“Yes, I do, but for multiple instruments. I’m also planning to master guitar and bass,” Aki reasons. “You’re the one who assumed I was going for violin.”</p><p>He thinks back to the intense young man who captivated him with his Brahm’s performance. “What the hell?! You have fucking talent for violin and you’re throwing it away to become a sellout!!”</p><p>That sends Aki’s temper through the roof as well. “Not everybody is a rich daddy’s boy like you who has something to fall back on!! Some of us have to be realistic!! You’d understand if you got your head out of the damn clouds for once!!”</p><p>“FUCK YOU!!” Ugetsu screeches. There are frustrated tears in his eyes. “I pour my fucking heart out to you, and you don’t tell me jack shit about yourself!! You’re the one who wanted us to date officially!! You’re the one who took my fucking virginity!! You don’t get to treat me like this!!”</p><p>He’s tempted to throw the mask at Aki’s dumbass skull, but he throws it against the wall instead. The delicate porcelain shatters as Ugetsu storms out of his own fucking house.</p><p> </p><p>He’s too livid to return for the rest of the day. He ends up distracting himself by getting ahead on his assignments at an all hours internet cafe. He furiously types until his brain gives out around 3 am. Aki’s words relentlessly echo in his head. </p><p>He knows that Aki doesn’t actually see him as a spoiled boy riding his father’s coattails. That was spoken out of anger at being called a sellout. He does have a point about being realistic though. The more instruments he plays, the more marketable he will be. And it makes sense for him to be in a band. Unlike Ugetsu, Aki can actually stand shoulder to shoulder with his peers and enjoy music together. </p><p>It’s 4 am by the time Ugetsu sneaks back into his own house. Strangely, a couple lamps are on. Aki really should be sleeping since tomorrow’s a school day and he’ll have work, but instead he waits on the couch. He strides over the moment the front door is locked. </p><p>“Hey,” Aki greets. His voice is thick with fatigue and there are dark circles under his eyes. Ugetsu doubts he looks any better himself. “I got some super glue and fixed this for you. You should keep this since it’s a memento of your first concert.” He hands over the red lacquered mask that had been put back together. </p><p>Ugetsu sets the mask aside and drapes his arms across Aki’s shoulders. They’re standing hip to hip and he raises on his tiptoes to press their foreheads together.</p><p>Sure enough, Aki takes the hint and guides them to the bedroom. Despite the exhausting day, Aki is all-consuming. His movements are experienced and powerful, but never to a point that it hurts. Noble, kind-hearted Aki who is the only person in the world who can understand him. The only person in the world who even tries. </p><p> </p><p>They’re lazing around over summer break when Ugetsu gets the idea. </p><p>“I’m thinking of making some changes to the place.”</p><p>“Do tell,” Aki grumbles and chomps his popsicle like a barbarian.</p><p>“I want to get a bigger bed.” Truthfully, their shared body heat is uncomfortable in the humidity. “I want a king size. We can put it in the main room and use the bedroom as storage.”</p><p>“You just want it to be easier for me to bring you breakfast in bed.”</p><p>“That too,” Ugetsu grins. He knows he’s insufferable in the mornings before coffee. Though Aki is more amused than annoyed by his antics.</p><p>They end up going to the furniture store and deciding on a simple, low bed that still has room underneath to shove a few boxes. Aki jokes about auctioning the famous Murata Ugetsu’s old bedframe and mattress online, and gets smacked for it. They decide to just give it to one of his old roommates.</p><p> </p><p>Second term is going well. As easily as breathing, Ugetsu wins the handful of competitions his managers enter him in. He opens a few more shows. Aki attends whenever he has free time from work and band practice. The guy seems to hop bands every couple weeks, trying to find one that he can work seamlessly with. </p><p>The time to make decisions about their next academic steps rolls around. Ugetsu wants to be a full time violinist, but his father insists he get a piece of paper called a degree. Turns out he and Aki have their eyes on the same school and program, but different courses. Although Aki is determined to become a jack of all trades with instruments, Ugetsu can tell that violin will always be special to him. He doesn’t want him to give it up.</p><p> </p><p>They’re mostly through the term when Ugetsu storms home in a cursing frenzy.</p><p>“Who made you hulk out this time?” Aki deadpans without looking up from textbooks spread across the coffee table. </p><p>Ugetsu spots the package of cigarettes and ashtray. He plops himself down on the couch and lights one. “My fucking team! They keep getting on my case about releasing more CDs as if that won’t cheapen the hell out of my music! There’s a reason I stopped putting out that garbage after I turned thirteen!”</p><p>“I see their point though. CDs are accessible to everybody and your name sells well. If you want to stand on the international stage, this could be the boost you need.”</p><p>“You have got to be kidding me,” he turns to glare incredulously. </p><p>“Hey, you’re the one who told me there’s nothing wrong with taking the easy way,” Aki argues. “That’s your best option unless you can come up with something flashier.”</p><p>He does come up with something flashier. It’s more risky, but it’ll make one hell of an impression. In the early spring, there will be a competition in Paris. Established musicians from all over the world will be flying over to participate in an original song competition. There will be a few qualifying rounds online and Ugetsu isn’t even sure he will make it through them all. But he has to try! The experience is terrifying and new, but he feels alight with the challenge! </p><p>Results from the first round arrive two weeks later. He managed to pass and now there’s two more to go before the Paris final! </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s have a real Christmas together,” Aki suggests as winter term comes to a close. “I was caught up with work during our first year and you had a lot going on last year. Let’s have a real Christmas before we graduate.”</p><p>It’s surprising that Aki would suggest this since he’ll be missing out on holiday pay. Ugetsu wants to spend Christmas together as well, but he needs to find a way to pay for the trip without hurting Aki’s pride. “I’m planning it. I’m not telling you anything and you don’t get to complain no matter how cheesy it is.”</p><p>“Whatever you want, you wily minx.”</p><p> </p><p>Hours after getting their exam grades back, Ugetsu has them pack in a hurry and take the train to a resort town in Osaka. They’ll stay here a few days to enjoy the hot springs and local amenities. And also get a lot of ‘exercise’. </p><p>They’re lounging in their private little onsen under the night sky, watching a brilliant display of fireworks. </p><p>“What are you daydreaming off about now?”</p><p>“The stars,” Ugetsu replies. “What do they look like to you?”</p><p>Aki shrugs at the vague question, but takes it in stride. “Random stuff in the sky.”</p><p>“I’ve been thinking a lot about what stars would feel if they could. Does it hurt when they burn? Are they horrified when they turn into black holes, or do they not care anymore by that point? What exactly do they feel that lets them burn so brightly they can be seen from light years away?” Ugetsu tilts his head back and reaches out a hand at the sky. The night air is pleasantly cool against his flushed skin. “What would it feel like to touch one of them?”</p><p>His boyfriend’s handsome face and toned body invade his field of vision. “Does it hurt when you burn?” He takes Ugetsu’s outstretched hand and caresses the fingertips as if they crafted the universe. The same fingertips that have bled countless times for his music.</p><p>“It doesn’t if you’re the one burning me,” he replies as he closes the distance between their lips. </p><p> </p><p>They spend the next few days sleeping in, trying local delicacies, sightseeing, and going to several night markets. They’re on the train ride home when Ugetsu gets the email that he has passed the second online round of qualifications. </p><p>“Congrats,” Aki applauds. “Now you just have to go win it.”</p><p>“The last round will be the hardest,” he retorts. “Not to mention, the actual competition will be cutthroat even if I make it. But still, I will go as far as I can.”</p><p>“Heh, those are some pretty flimsy words considering how addicted you are to victory.”</p><p>He smacks Aki’s shoulder playfully and steals some of his chips. “You should know by now that winning is just a byproduct of my music. I really don’t care about winning. Honestly, competitions in Japan have gotten so boring that I’m thinking of dropping everything but the national level one.”</p><p>“That sounds exactly like something a super hot person who doesn’t care how hot they are would say.”</p><p> </p><p>He enters the third online round with a song inspired by infinite space and makes it to the Paris final. His father video calls him, crying with joy and assuring him that he’ll be there. </p><p>Aki won’t be able to make it though. He decided to give his grades a final push so he can qualify for an academic scholarship. He won’t have time to spare for international travel so late in the term.</p><p>“I told you that you could have focused more on your grades,” Ugetsu teases.</p><p>“I’ll wait until you win before I’ll say that I told you so too,” he shoots back.</p><p> </p><p>The day before the flight to Paris, Aki hands him a gift box. There’s a white mug inside. </p><p>“A good luck charm for a caffeine addict,” Aki explains with a grin.</p><p>Ugetsu examines the mug in his hands. It’s a plain one from a 100 yen store. Aki had given him dumb trinkets and bought him food before, but this is a gift he will use in their home...</p><p> </p><p>Their home...</p><p>The home where they practice and banter together.<br/>
Where they fight and love.<br/>
Where Aki picks up the laundry he throws around and he mindlessly reaches for Aki’s shirts on the weekends.<br/>
Where a well-loved violin is still collecting dust in the closet.<br/>
Where Aki comforts him when he breaks down crying for no reason, humors him when he laughs at the dumbest things, and plays along with his daydreaming.</p><p>Since when did home stop being a place and start becoming a person? </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, Ugetsu feels intensely inexplicable fear and hatred for the mug. He lets it slip from his fingers and shatter on the floor. </p><p>The sound of breaking ceramic startles him out of the reverie. “I’m sorry! It slipped!” he drops to the ground to begin picking up the shards, but he can’t see clearly since his vision is fogged with tears.</p><p>Large hands snatch his own away from the sharp fragments. “You could have just told me if you think it’s that tacky,” Aki teases as he wipes the tears away. His tone is good natured, but his grip is too tight to be casual. He knows that Ugetsu would never be that clumsy. He knows he broke the mug on purpose. He knows the real reason that Ugetsu himself doesn’t.</p><p>“You’re just nervous for the competition,” Aki states. “Don’t worry about the mug. It’s just a stupid, replacable thing.”</p><p>Whenever Aki faces a topic he doesn’t want to talk about, he diverts. He misguides and tells half-truths. If Ugetsu pushes the issue too much, they’d get into a screaming match that always ends with Aki refusing to say any more and Ugetsu storming out. </p><p>Kaji Akihiko never straight out lies. But he’s lying now.</p><p>Murata Ugetsu never avoids calling him out. But he avoids it now.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Underwhelmed. </p><p>He’s at an opulent concert hall in Paris waiting to perform in front of more critics than ever, and he feels underwhelmed. </p><p>He hoped to be challenged. He hoped to meet a wall so high that he’s not sure he can climb it with his borrowed wings. He has slaved over each online round and the final song. </p><p>Truthfully, it’s his own fault for not scouting out the competition beforehand. But he wanted his first impressions of them to be in person. He knew about several notable violinists he’s up against, but he chose not to research them. After all, online videos can’t even capture 1% of a live performance’s grandeur.</p><p>“Ahh, how disappointing,” he muses out loud from the sidelines. Violinist after violinist...song after song...it’s all so lacklustre. They have incredible skill and all of them surpass Ugetsu in experience. However, there is no soul in their music. It’s like their spirits are wilting gardens. They can play in symphonies and parrot back legendary works of the past, but they will never write history for themselves. </p><p>He feels like a five star chef being presented with plate after plate of unseasoned food cooked in a microwave.</p><p>“Next up, we have a rising talent who has bewitched Japan. Please welcome to the stage, Murata Ugetsu!”</p><p>He enters the stage and stands beside the faceless announcer holding the wireless microphone to him. He gazes across the faceless critics and faceless ‘connoisseurs’. Their claps sound like the screeching of an unmaintained bow. “Thank you. The song I’ll be performing tonight is called Nova.”</p><p>The announcer steps to the sidelines. Lights dim and a spotlight cruelly impales him. He gazes up at the angelic murals painted across the domed ceiling. </p><p>“Heavens, lend me your strength.”</p><p>
  <em>“As you wish.”</em>
</p><p>Everything falls away as he begins the song. His fingers expertly move in flashes of golden light. Soon enough, he’s flying through space. Stars and galaxies he crafted whizz past him as he travels at the speed of light, guided by nothing but his music.</p><p>He’s in front of the blazing red star again. It’s not supposed to be here, but it’s not entirely unwelcome. The star is so massive that he’s just a mere pinprick in comparison. Flares of crimson and citrine reach out to him, but the golden light from his violin shield him from being devoured. </p><p>
  <em>“Does it hurt when you burn?” “Not if you’re the one burning me.”</em>
</p><p>Despite his mind lost in his private dreamscape, Ugetsu is overcome with the image of nightmarish faceless puppets. They morph in marionettes gnashing their teeth and rattling their wooden limbs. What the hell are they doing here?! They’re not supposed to be here!! He’s not supposed to see the faceless audience when he’s playing!!</p><p>Even more horrifyingly, the golden light borrowed from the heavens solidify into hard metal at his fingertips. Ugetsu bites his lip and stubbornly pushes through, but each movement feels like trying to lift a train with one finger. </p><p>The marionettes start turning to each other as their jaws rattle and their wooden hands point. No. No, get out of here!! You’re not allowed to be here!!</p><p>
  <em>“You will continue to suffer, but you will make history.”</em>
</p><p>Ugetsu remembers the other star that had been at his back when he first saw the red one. “Please, please, whatever you are,” he urges. </p><p>He doesn’t even finish the thought before blue flames that glow so brilliantly, they’re almost silver shoot out from behind him and disintegrate the marionettes into ash. The gold slowing his movements shrieks and vanishes. <em>“I am yours,”</em> the star responds.<em> “All of this is yours. It’s about time you take it.”</em></p><p>Ugetsu finally turns around to look at the star for the first time. If he is a pinprick compared to the red star, the red star is less than dust compared to this blue one. Turquoise fire nectar ignites him to his very core. Feathers explode out into a pair of massive wings at his back. Borrowed wings that he will never fly free with, but wings nonetheless.</p><p>Faced with the sheer magnitude of his own power, Ugetsu feels like a literary genius who has been messing around with nursery rhymes all his life. No wonder Aki had quit violin if this is what he felt. No wonder Ugetsu has climbed so high that he’s peerless even on his first international stage. </p><p>
  <em>“You will continue to suffer for me, but I will continue to burn for you. You are the one who will raze heaven and hell, not Akihiko Kaji.”</em>
</p><p>“Don’t I get a choice?!” For the first time in his life, he feels doomed. All these years of feeling like a misfit, all these years of shouldering a heavy existence, all these years of crawling across glass to feel understood...what meaning does it have if this much is fated for him?!</p><p>
  <em>“Give me up if you can. Give me up and try to live a normal life with your little boyfriend and your neanderthal friends. Do it if you can.”</em>
</p><p>A roaring tidal wave shoves him out of his vision.</p><p>He’s back in the concert venue. The crowd is in mayhem, giving him a standing ovation. Critics and judges along the front row whisper frantically among themselves. The angels on the mural sneer down at him, rejecting his singularity. </p><p>A drop of something black hits his palm. Ah, he’s crying black mascara tears again. It’s not uncommon for him to cry when he’s overwhelmed after a performance...but for the first time, he doesn’t bother holding himself together until he’s backstage. </p><p>Murata Ugetsu is eighteen when he drops to his knees on the largest stage in the capital of France. The crowd continues to cheer and tears continue to stream down his buried face. Cameras flash, but he can’t bring himself to care. Eventually, the staff have to close the curtains and escort him to the dressing room.</p><p>March twelfth is the day a remarkable youth from Japan made history by standing head and shoulders above renowned violinists worldwide.</p><p> </p><p>His father takes him to a fancy bar to celebrate. They spend the next day sightseeing before Ugetsu’s flight back to Japan. Paris is a lovely city with rustic charm, but he is too emotionally strung-out to appreciate any of it.</p><p>At the airport gift shop, he sees a pair of earrings that Aki would like and buys them on autopilot.</p><p> </p><p>It’s afternoon by the time he arrives home. He’s jetlagged and drained, but still finds it in himself to be bittersweetly surprised when Aki presents him with a stunning bouquet of white roses.</p><p>“Congratulations, you deserve to win. Also, happy White Day.”</p><p>The truth is so clear on his face that Ugetsu has no idea how he had missed it this whole time. He can see the immense pain, envy, and pity in Aki’s expression along with adoration. When he hides a hand in his pocket and brushes against the earrings he had mindlessly bought, he almost loses his nerve.</p><p>“Akihiko...let’s break up.”</p><p>Green eyes go wide as cymbals. “W-what? Why?!”</p><p>“I realized something that you knew all along,” Ugetsu explains despite how burned out he feels. He has to do this now or he’ll never work up the guts to do it again. “My existence means nothing but pain and suffering for you. And if I keep depending on you, I will never be free with my music. You knew all along that this would happen.”</p><p>“Life is pain and suffering anyways!” Aki exclaims with his voice rising to a shout. “If we’re going to suffer, why can’t we suffer together?! Who says that this is as far as we can go?!”</p><p>“You don’t get it, Akihiko! Music is all I have, but you can have so much more!! Partners, career, bandmates, creativity, freedom, you can have it all!! But I am not like you!! I’m a broken soul that was born so wrong that even heaven and hell reject me!!” As hard as he tries, he can’t stop his voice from choking up in sobs. There are tears streaming down his face and dripping to the floor. “Music is all I have...it’s all I am...you should know this by now...”</p><p>Aki frowns and crosses his arms. “The jet lag is making you extra emotional. Go take a nap, I’ll do the laundry and make dinner.” The emerald green eyes are stony without a single hint of vulnerability in them.</p><p>Ugetsu has no energy left to argue further.</p><p> </p><p>When Aki wakes him a few hours later, the light catches on the new earrings from the Paris airport. He must have found them in the coat pocket and knew they were for him. Ugetsu doesn’t comment on it.</p><p>“What did you feel back then?” he asks while picking at fried noodles with his chopsticks. The question is vague, but they both know exactly what he is talking about.</p><p>Aki’s voice is careful and serious. “I couldn’t get you out of my head the second I first heard you play. Your talent was so immense, it felt like a black hole. I had no choice but to give up on violin.”</p><p>“And yet, you refuse to leave me.”</p><p>“I can’t leave you. Do whatever you want, but I’m not going to leave you. To be honest, I don’t think you have the guts to leave me either.”</p><p>Ugetsu sighs and rubs his temples. “Go have flings, move in with someone else, or keep living here rent free. I don’t care what you do.”</p><p>“I got used to freeloading here,” Aki says as he cracks open a can of beer. “But if you’re gonna bring someone over, at least let me know so I don’t walk in on that.”</p><p> </p><p>Neither of them are able to bring themselves to actually sleep with someone else. The rest of their last high school year passes uneventfully. Despite the strange state of their relationship, their routine doesn’t change much. They still live together, after all.</p><p>Ugetsu can’t find it in him to kick Aki out for real. Aki can’t find it in him to leave for real. </p><p>The chemistry between them doesn’t diminish. They still find themselves making a move when they get caught up in the moment. The one who makes the move can’t bring himself to pull back and the other can’t bring himself to push away. </p><p>They’re at a stalemate. Aki, who both hates and loves Ugetsu, is unable to leave. Ugetsu is unable to push Aki away, though he does try. He becomes short tempered and bitches about everything, but it all slides off Aki like water off a duck’s back.</p><p>Even when he initiates screaming matches by saying the cruelest things, Aki listens until his own saintly patience cracks and he shouts back just as harshly. They always end up reconciling somehow.</p><p> </p><p>They end up deciding on the same university, neither willing to change their first choice. It’s not like they’ll run into each other much on campus anyways. Ugetsu chooses courses he knows he’ll excel at so he’ll have more spare time to perform internationally. Since his breakthrough in Paris, his team has been getting flooded with invitations for concerts and competitions. </p><p>Truthfully, he can’t care less about getting a high GPA. He’s not like Aki, who has to use university to help launch his career. Ugetsu’s career is already decided. Just like it was decided that he’d be shackled by talent so immense that even the mere act of existing feels heavy. He’s not like Aki, who can take whatever he wants from life and still fly free. </p><p> </p><p>They try to make the most of the last few days before university starts. Aki drags him to a final dinner with all their high school friends. He subtly insults him every chance he gets, but the saint just laughs along with the rest of their group. He purposely spills food on Aki’s white shirt, but it gets licked off with a shrug. </p><p>Determined to crack Aki’s patience, Ugetsu bitches at him their entire walk home. He doesn’t even remember what he eventually says, but Aki snaps back at him and the argument escalates until he’s slammed against the couch with a delectably muscular body caging him in.</p><p>It seems they share a brain cell because their lips crash forcefully. Ugetsu surrenders control to Aki. He always relents to him. They break apart to breathe. In a tender gesture that completely contradicts his earlier hunger, Aki traces two fingers along the palm of Ugetsu’s right hand. </p><p>“Make it hurt,” Ugetsu demands.</p><p>The reply is spoken in a murmur. “Why do you want me to hurt you? Why must you hurt to feel alive?” </p><p>Ah, another example of how wholeheartedly Aki understands him. No matter how intense his moods get, he would never wish to be rid of them. Unlike many people, Ugetsu embraces his lows. He allows himself to feel pain and sadness to the highest degree. That’s proof he’s alive, but he wants none of that understanding right now.</p><p>“Hurt me or we stop right here,” he challenges with a sly smile. </p><p>Truthfully, it’s a bluff. He would go along with anything Aki wants. Aki knows this, but sighs heavily and decides to grant his wish. “Remember you asked for this. I’m not going to slow down even when you cry.”</p><p>“As if you could screw me that well.” That’s also a lie. This won’t be the first or last time he cries during sex.</p><p>Aki brings Ugetsu’s hand to his lips and begins to coat the slim fingers with saliva. It would be a vulgar move for anyone else, but he makes it look tantalizingly sinful. “Keep your fingers flexed. I’m going to make you open yourself.”</p><p>And he does. He does so with rough, impatient movements as he leans down to bite Ugetsu’s neck and collarbones so insistently that he draws blood. True to his word, the punishing rhythm doesn’t slow down even when he begins to shudder and cry. </p><p>When they’re done, Aki doesn’t ask if it was too much. He doesn’t linger around to hold him or fret. He wordlessly drags himself to the bathroom for a shower. </p><p> </p><p>On the first day of university, Ugetsu gets dressed in a turtleneck despite the humid spring. He crosses his fingers that the campus will have air conditioning on. </p><p>Beside him, Aki pulls on ripped jeans and a faded band t-shirt. He has been talking about how glad he is to be done with having to wear uniforms...not that his uniforms were ever up to code anyways. </p><p>Ugetsu doesn’t fear loneliness, but all their high school friends are attending different universities. Some have decided to enter the workforce. Faced with a brand new chapter, he feels ten years old again, branded as the weirdo violin misfit. To be fair, he’s still a weirdo violinist with a horrible personality. Becoming famous doesn’t change that. </p><p>“What is it now?” Aki asks, sensing his unease.</p><p>“What if I’m too out of anyone’s reach? What if I’ve climbed too high already? I want you to keep playing violin because you’re the only person I ever met who could be a rival.”</p><p>“It’s pretty arrogant to believe you’ve seen and done everything when you’re not even in your twenties,” Aki reasons patiently. “But I think that if you keep climbing, you’ll eventually meet other people who are truly incredible.” </p><p>Ugetsu fiddles with his sleeves. “And if I don’t?”</p><p>“Knowing you, nothing will stop you from forging on. Even if you wind up in an icy tundra all alone. You said it yourself, music is all you have.”</p><p>Maybe in a different life, that wouldn’t be the case. Maybe in a different life, he could be a normal person capable of having a normal relationship with the man he still loves to death. But this is not that life, so there’s no point lamenting when there’s progress to be made.</p><p>“Let’s get going.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Crow (the fall)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>WARNING: There will be scenes of suicide ideation in this chapter. One of them is based on what Ugetsu has said in canon. Please, please use your discretion if such topics can bother you.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A philosopher he admires once said this about history: the more things change, the more they stay the same.</p><p>He honestly hoped to hell that their changing lifestyle would drive a wedge between him and Aki. Clearly, hell won’t listen to him either. </p><p>Aki’s pride finally cracks and he uses the money his mother had sent before to help with tuition. It won’t last forever, so he picks up more part time jobs. He’s still a brute who gets into fights now and then. Despite Ugetsu saying he doesn’t give a damn if Aki flunks out or gets expelled, he’s concerned. What’s the point of university if he’s going to fuck around like this?</p><p>Things change. Aki is scarce on campus, but he has no trouble attracting droves of friends and admirers. For the first time since they met three years ago, they’re not in any of the same classes. They both get their driving licenses and Aki buys a motorcycle. </p><p>Things stay the same. Whenever he’s around, Aki finds him on campus to take breaks together. They seamlessly give each other rides and cohabitate. Ugetsu still devotes as much of his time as possible to performances. </p><p>Things change. He plays his first ever classical concerto with a full symphony backing him up. Aki finds a band that suits his style. They’re instrumental only and call themselves The Seasons. </p><p>Things stay the same. Aki still goes to his performances whenever he can. Ugetsu still instinctively saves him a ticket every time. He still refuses to acknowledge the other instruments Aki has chosen over violin. </p><p>Things change. They start yelling at each other nearly every other day. Insults that are meant to cut deep get flung around. Ugetsu starts throwing his things in fits of destruction.</p><p>Things stay the same. They always, always reconcile after their screaming matches. They know none of the venomous words are truthful. They both break things, but they never break each other’s things. They never raise a hand against the other.</p><p>Things stay the same. Aki is unable to pack his things and leave. Ugetsu is unable to push him away for good. </p><p>Things stay the same. Aki understands him too well. Ugetsu can’t live without Aki. Aki is like air for him. He can only breathe when he is around. Ugetsu is like water for Aki. He drowns whenever he hears his music, but he needs him to survive. They’re so deeply entwined that neither can leave the other with their own strength. In Ugetsu’s defence, Aki is the only meaningful person in his life other than his father. Aki, on the other hand, can have a new relationship with just about anyone. But he chooses to stay.</p><p>Maybe it’s like when they first met. The handsome transfer student could have been friends with anyone, but Ugetsu was the only one who caught his interest. </p><p>Everything keeps going full circle. The more things change, the more they stay the same.</p><p> </p><p>Aki was wrong to hope that Ugetsu will meet other remarkable talents in university. </p><p>His classes are mind-rottingly boring. The other students are mind-rottingly bland. Like before, Ugetsu puts up a warm front. He smiles pleasantly and keeps his words light. However, it doesn’t work.</p><p>Unlike in middle school and high school where most people are unfamiliar with famous violinists, people in the music major know him. They know his name and his face. Even when Ugetsu tries to be soft, they all shrink away in intimidation. </p><p>What a joke. Ugetsu, who isn’t too tall and whip thin, intimidates them. Though he supposes his physique is nothing compared to his skill. He even sends professors stammering over themselves.</p><p>Still, he doesn’t drop the facade that has become second nature. He doesn’t hold back in class, but he keeps his words gentle whenever he’s asked to critique others. First term is nearly over, but nobody dares speak with him. His only reprieve is when Aki finds him on campus. Aki chooses to come to him alone each time. Ugetsu has no choice but to be alone.</p><p> </p><p>Near the end of first term, one of his classmates finally works up the nerve to speak to him.</p><p>The young man is a viola player. He’s one of the better musicians in class, but still rather boring. He has a tall and athletic stature. Not jacked like Aki, but not slender either. He has a nice face too. Not angular and sinfully handsome, but not delicate and pretty looking either. </p><p>“Hey, I have a favor to ask you,” viola man says as they’re leaving class. “Please listen to my song again and tell me what you really think. I know you’ve been holding back. My name is Kotomine Satsuki, if you care.”</p><p>It’s a nice name for such a boring musician. “Okay, Satsuki-kun,” Ugetsu places one hand on his hip and holds the other out. “I don’t need to listen to you play again because I never forget something I’ve heard. Lend me your viola and I’ll show you what it’s supposed to sound like.”</p><p>“You can play viola?” Satsuki hands it over with a dumbfounded expression.</p><p>“Of course I can. Now listen closely because I’ll only play this once.”</p><p>He dumbs down his technique to make the song doable for the guy. As always, he closes his eyes as he plays and loses himself in the melody. He paints a blooming forest of cherry blossoms. Countless petals flutter in the breeze. They’re soft as gossamer silk, but he knows they will cut razor sharp if they’re touched. Fighting against the urge to go mad, he finishes the song.</p><p>“H-how did you know?”</p><p>“The title of your song,” Ugetsu explains, “it’s inspired by Sakaguchi Ango’s book, isn’t it? In the Forest of Cherry Blossoms, Beneath the Full Bloom. I do pay attention in class. It’s clear that you’re inspired by Japanese literature.”</p><p>“You’re into Japanese literature too? Then what can I-” </p><p>Ugetsu’s phone pings. It’s Aki texting to let him know that he’s outside. “I’ve been reading the great works since I was nine. Anyways, what you wanted to convey is both breathtaking beauty and skin-crawling anxiety. You should stop treating the two things as duality instead of one and the same.”</p><p>“Will you keep helping me? I want to enter the campus-wide songwriting competition with it,” Satsuki requests determinedly.</p><p>This guy knows who Ugetsu is, but has the balls to make such a crass request. It’s honestly respectable. It might also be interesting to see how much an utterly average musician can grow if he’s given a taste of Ugetsu’s guidance. “Okay,” he replies as he’s out the door, “I’ll see you again next week.”</p><p> </p><p>Aki’s in a good mood as he swings an arm around Ugetsu’s shoulders. His face is beaming and his emerald eyes are alight in the golden hour sun. “What’s got you so smug?” he asks, unable to stop Aki’s happiness from invading his own mood. He lights a cigarette. </p><p>“Am I not allowed to be happy for no reason?” Aki asks as he plucks the cigarette away to take a few greedy drags.</p><p>He's too petty to just light another one. “Fine, don’t tell me. It’s not like you tell me anything anyways.”</p><p>“I’m taking you out for dinner tonight. There’s a new katsudon place that opened.” The cigarette is handed back. Aki’s arm is warm and heavy along his shoulders. </p><p>“You know I hate pork.”</p><p>“Yea, I do. That’s why I’m taking you there.” </p><p>They continue to banter companionably as they walk across campus. Aki looks ruggedly attractive today in his denim jacket, white t-shirt, and blue jeans. Ugetsu himself is in a borrowed denim jacket that he mindlessly threw on. Passing a cigarette back and forth, wearing matching outfits, and having Aki’s arm around him, they look like a real couple. A real couple that fights about normal things and can be together normally. </p><p>Even though Aki doesn’t tell him the good news that must have happened, he continues to beam down without breaking his grin. Like they’re on a real date. Ugetsu needs to shatter this moment like he shattered the mug. </p><p>“I did it with someone,” he lies. “We did it in the music room after class. That’s why I was held up.”</p><p>“Me too,” Aki lies back without loosening his hold. “Ever consider I’m in a good mood cuz I scored with a super hot chick?”</p><p>Lies. They both know it’s all lies. Ugetsu would never, ever defile a sacred music room like that and Aki smells like his usual cologne instead of an unfamiliar woman.</p><p>His plan to ruin the impromptu date fails miserably. Aki orders him the chicken cutlet instead of the pork and he also insists they share a bottle of his favorite peach soju. They have a tug-of-war over the bill like a normal couple and take the long walk home since there’s no way either of them are driving. The entire walk, Aki goes along with Ugetsu’s musings about the constellations in the sky, holding hands the entire time. The moment the front door shuts, they’re impatiently tugging at each other’s clothes. </p><p> </p><p>They’re still bad at keeping their distance.</p><p>Aki still does all the chores. He still gives Ugetsu rides on his motorcycle whenever he’s too lazy to drive. He still tidies up after Ugetsu’s frustration tantrums. </p><p>Ugetsu still finds ways to pay their living expenses. He still drives Aki whenever he has to move his drums around. He still lets Aki spoil him at home. </p><p>Neither of them are able to keep their hands to themselves. They’re still bad at saying no to the other.</p><p>When he demands Aki to make it hurt, Aki relents. When Aki shoves recordings of music at him for feedback, he relents. Whenever he’s forced to listen to the other instruments that Aki plays, he physically drags him into the practice room and blocks the exit until that quitter picks up his violin. Aki complies even though playing violin in his presence is excruciatingly painful. Even though he can easily overpower Ugetsu and shove him aside to leave. He knows that this is the prideful way of begging him to not give up violin even though he’s begging him to give up on their dysfunctional relationship. </p><p>However, they each have one thing they won’t do for the other. Ugetsu refuses to attend any of Aki’s live shows while Aki refuses to leave him for real.</p><p> </p><p>“So it’s for your photography class final.”</p><p>“Yea, this is the assignment and I need you to model for me.”</p><p>“I get it, but why the hell do you want to shoot me without any clothes on?” Seriously, has the knucklehead actually lost his mind? </p><p>“The prof approved it. Apparently I’m not the only one with the nude idea,” Aki reasons patiently. “You know, it’s become a trend for western pop stars to pose nude for album covers.”</p><p>It’ll be tiresome to argue Aki out of this, but if he agrees, he can demand something in return. Something worth strangers seeing him naked. “Fine. I’ll do it, but you have to enter the campus songwriting competition next week. And you have to play the violin.”</p><p>“Next week? How am I going to have a song ready by then? Unlike your spoiled ass, I have to work,” Aki frowns. </p><p>“I’ll write it for you,” Ugetsu waves his hand dismissively. “You also have to try to win for real. If you won’t do this, I won’t do your pervy photoshoot.”</p><p>Aki’s jaw tightens and his eyes darken. But he must really want the photoshoot because at last, he agrees. “Fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Despite Ugetsu’s resistance, Aki convinces him to do the shoot in one of the school’s studios instead of at home. The studio lighting will be better, he reasons. And if Ugetsu is going to throw all caution to the wind, he at least wants Aki to get the highest grade in the class. </p><p>His photographer does hardly anything to guide him. He uses one white sheet as a prop and says to do as he feels. Not even five minutes in, he claims they have the shot.</p><p>“I thought your assignment was to do a series.”</p><p>“Not if one photo is complete in and of itself,” Aki explains. “I think adding more would cheapen it and I’m prepared to argue with the prof if he tries to fail me. Art is about interpretation, after all.”</p><p> </p><p>A few hours later, Aki has the photo printed along with a name and rationale to go with it. He’s sliding his assignment into an envelope when he exclaims, “ah shit, I think I left my phone at the printing place! Wait here for me, I’ll treat you to dinner when I get back!” And he’s grabbing his motorcycle keys while charging out the door. </p><p>Overcome with curiosity, Ugetsu takes the photo and typed page out of the envelope. In the picture, his spine is curved precariously. His uncannily flexible arms are wound so tight around himself that they could almost be somebody else’s. Although most of his face is turned away and hidden behind messy hair, one grey eye is visible in steely depth.</p><p>It’s a beautiful picture, but also very haunting. He picks up the page with whatever Aki had typed:</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Yatagarasu</em><br/>
<em>The eight span crow is a symbol of heavenly will and divine intervention. It brings forth guidance, rejuvenation, and rebirth.</em><br/>
<em>From the moment I first saw him, I became unable to look at anybody else. To say he is my most irreplaceable person would be putting it too lightly.</em><br/>
<em>I truly believe he will become one of the greatest musicians who ever lived, but in the most heartbreaking and pitiful way. I have seen him on stage countless times, stripping himself bare with his music. Demanding, praying, begging to be seen. That even one tiny fraction of his feelings could be understood. His soul belongs to his music, which is too phantasmagoric for this world.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>His eyes scan the page over and over....how dare he...how DARE Akihiko. How dare he not only vehemently refuse to leave, but keep him this close the entire time! As if none of Ugetsu’s efforts to push him away have even nicked his resolve! </p><p>In a trance, he shoves the assignment back into the envelope and staggers to the garage. He takes the spare jug of gasoline and dreamwalks back inside to the practice room. Mindlessly, he gathers all of Aki’s drums, guitars, and sheet music into a pile in the center. Not the violin though. Both their violins are sitting far away and safe from the impending blaze. He opens the gasoline jug and pulls his lighter out of his pocket. </p><p>He must really be a harbinger of divine intervention because the front door slams open. Is the printing place that close or had he been lost in thought that long?</p><p>“Ugetsu!” Aki calls out and footsteps thunder around, searching for him. “Are you lost in practice again?” Heavy steps thump down the stairs as he remains frozen. “You left the door open, what are you-”</p><p>He spins around with the gasoline in one hand and the lighter in the other. He’s not sure what sort of expression he has that makes the fearless Aki’s face morph into a look of sheer terror. He forces his thumb to flip open the lighter, not caring about wasting its fuel. </p><p>Aki’s shell shocked eyes travel down to his hands before going back up to his face. “W-what’s gotten into you?”</p><p>“Why won’t you leave?” he asks numbly. “Why do you insist on sticking around? How much do I have to hurt you before you go away?! I’m not worth it so JUST FUCKING LEAVE ALREADY!!” </p><p>“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Aki bellows back, loud enough for the entire block to hear, soundproofing be damned. “YOU WOULD SERIOUSLY BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN?! DO YOU EVEN CARE IF YOU HURT YOURSELF?! YOU COULD FUCKING DIE!!”</p><p>“I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!!” he screeches back. His hands are shaking like hell despite the fact that they never shake. </p><p>The motions seem to catch Aki’s attention. Realization flashes across those green eyes and all traces of horror vanish. “Go ahead. Burn all my stuff if you have the balls to do it.”</p><p>Enraged by the challenge, Ugetsu tilts the gasoline jug. He doesn’t break his glare.</p><p>He can feel the gasoline slosh closer and closer to the opening. Aki doesn’t break his confident smirk. In fact, he smirks even more arrogantly.</p><p>...Because Ugetsu can’t do it after all. He can’t. He knows he’s capable of being the worst person ever, but this is a line he’d shoot himself before crossing. He would never, ever, ever wreck another person’s instruments. Ever. Not even with a gun pointed at his head. </p><p>Aki crosses the room in several long strides and reaches for the gasoline and lighter. Ugetsu tries to wrestle them back, but he’s easily overpowered. </p><p>“If you’re done being dramatic, let’s go eat already. I’m fucking starving.” Aki closes the jug and pockets the lighter. As if nothing at all just happened. Once again, the attempt to push him away proves useless. </p><p>Honestly, he doesn't want to go out for dinner. The fit has left him so drained that he could sleep for twelve hours straight. He's so fucking exhausted of fighting this uphill battle.</p><p>Wordlessly, they head to Aki’s motorcycle. As Ugetsu loops his arms around Aki’s waist as usual, he feels strong hands grab his forearms to make him hold on tighter. </p><p>They don’t speak again until they’re at the diner. “If you ever pull something like that again,” Aki says in a tone so casual that he could just be chatting about menu options, “I will have the campus put you on suicide watch and you can have fun trying to get rid of me then.”</p><p>Unlike him, Aki is not a bluffer. He would not say something like that if he’s not dead serious.</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p> </p><p>They wordlessly go about their routines for a few days. Ugetsu meets with Satsuki a few more times to go over his song for the competition. He doesn’t particularly like or dislike that viola guy even though he can tell that Satsuki is very interested in him...if the casual touches and lingering gazes are any indication. </p><p>He supposes it’s nice to have someone to chat with about Japanese literature. Despite the guy’s mediocrity, it’s pretty unique for a musician to be mostly inspired by authors. He can certainly polish this talent and see how far it’ll grow.</p><p>To mess around with Aki, he gives him the song for the competition the morning of. Of course, he had it written in advance beforehand. </p><p>Regardless of lack of practice, Aki takes first place by a wide margin. Ugetsu attributes the success to Aki’s talent, but that dense muscles-for-brains would undoubtedly attribute it to the songwriting itself. Satsuki narrowly beats the third place winner and takes second. </p><p>Ugetsu is lingering around at the exit when Satsuki rushes him with a hug and even lifts him to spin him around. The guy is a lot stronger than he looks! Good to know. “Thank you! I couldn’t have done it without you!”</p><p>“I get it, just put me down already.”</p><p>Satsuki is flush-faced as he rambles, “I hope we can keep working together from now on. Not that what you have done for me isn’t enough, I just-”</p><p>“Oi.” They’re interrupted by a grim looking Akihiko. “I had a feeling you helped this guy. I can recognize your style from anywhere, Ugetsu.”</p><p>“H-hi you must be Kaji-san, right?” Satsuki stammers. Admittedly, a scary-looking Aki can intimidate even the president of the United States. “C-congrats on winning first place! I didn’t know you two were dating, I’m sorry I took up so much of his time.”</p><p>“He’s not my boyfriend.” “We’re not dating.” Ironically, Aki closes a large hand around Ugetsu’s slim bicep as they say that.</p><p>Bewildered, Satsuki’s eyes shoot back and forth between them, trying to figure out what the hell is up with their relationship. “Okkaayyy....well....anyways, there’s a party at Takashi’s place tomorrow night. You remember him from class, right? Anyways, it’s open to anyone from the music major. To celebrate the end of first term, y’know?”</p><p>“Sure, sounds fun. Why don’t we go, Aki-chan?”</p><p>“Whatever.” </p><p>“Well....anyways....my friends are waiting for me....see you tomorrow! Thanks again for your help!”</p><p>Satsuki isn’t even out of earshot when Aki growls, “seriously? You could do so much better than him.”</p><p>“Don’t misunderstand,” Ugetsu dismisses as he shakes his arm out of the grip that’s cutting off his circulation. “I want to see how far he can go. That’s all.”</p><p> </p><p>The next evening rolls around and they’re getting ready for the start-of-summer-break party. Maybe it’s because Aki’s messing with him in return, or maybe it’s because that guy is just that ridiculously attractive no matter what he does. He’s dressed to score in stylishly ripped jeans and a black t-shirt with a scandalously low neckline. </p><p>Seeing the exposed collarbones, Ugetsu can’t stop himself from viciously sucking a few bruises to ruin Aki’s plans. Aki just shrugs and bites Ugetsu’s neck until he looks like he had gotten jumped by a ravenous vampire. That situation escalates until they arrive at the party fashionably late looking like they had just wrestled a bear. </p><p>“Wait here. I’ll go get us drinks,” Ugestu says when they’re in the living room. He intends to head into the kitchen and mix the nastiest concoction possible for Aki as payback for forcing him to not cover the evidence of their earlier exploit. </p><p>He’s mixing a bit of everything available in a plastic cup when a shot glass of clear liquor enters his field of vision. </p><p>“That bad, huh.” It’s Satsuki. His hair is styled artfully tousled and his eyes are rimmed with a thin smudging of eyeliner. </p><p>Ugetsu takes the shot glass, clinks it against Satsuki’s, and they both down the cheap vodka. </p><p>“They look like they hurt. I can see why you’re mixing that cup of poison to get back at him. Your boyfriend’s a pretty scary guy.”</p><p>“He’s not my boyfriend. Just a guy who freeloads in my house and we hate fuck sometimes.” He’s tired. He’s so fucking tired. </p><p>Satsuki whistles slowly. “Well, if you left all those marks on him to stake your claim, I’m sorry to say that it ain’t working.” He tilts his chin towards the open concept living room, where Aki is being fondled by at least five giggling women. </p><p>Consumed by a hot flash of destructiveness, Ugetsu brings the horrendous mixture to his own lips. It’s only fair he drinks his own poison. He manages to gulp down half the cup before quitting and throwing the rest down the sink. “Let’s get the fuck out of here, Satsuki.”</p><p>He locks eyes with Aki as they’re leaving. Grey eyes narrow as long fingers trail up to tousle Satsuki’s hair. Green eyes narrow as a large hand snakes down one of the women’s curves. </p><p> </p><p>They’re fumbling into Satsuki’s apartment when hesitation strikes. “We shouldn’t be doing this. I’m only using you to hurt him. It’s not fair for you.”</p><p>“For a guy so smart, you’re being really dense right now.” There’s no hint of Satsuki’s usual warmth in those eyes. “I’ve been pretending around you this entire time. It was obvious from the way you try to be friendly that you’re lonely. When I realized you’re desperate enough that you’d help whoever approaches you, I figured I might as well use you to improve my music. The fact that you’re even more gorgeous in real life helps too.”</p><p>Taken by surprise at those words, he searches Satsuki’s face for falisty, but finds none. This is the truth. He could have picked up on the manipulation sooner if he had cared enough. “Fine. If you want to be my plaything, I’ll take you along.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p> </p><p>He’s doing the walk of shame home at 6 am the next morning. He expects Aki to still be away. Instead, he finds him in the bathroom with the door open, trying to scrub persistent lipstick stains off his face. Even from this far away, the scent of floral perfume is noticeable. </p><p>Aki looks back at him, at his matted hair and smudged eyeliner. “Take a fucking shower, you reek of that guy’s mediocrity.”</p><p>“You shower first. You smell like cheap perfume.”</p><p>They end up showering together. </p><p>Despite both their late nights, Aki cooks their breakfast as Ugetsu lounges in bed with a steaming cup of coffee. He just wants to conk out but Aki insists they eat first. He’s so fucking tired. </p><p>“Why did you first start playing music? You told me before it was to rebel against what your father and grandfather does, but what’s the truth?”</p><p>No matter how viciously they fight, they always reconcile over music and the fact that they can’t break this cycle. He should make up another lie, he really should, but the truth comes out instead. </p><p>“When I was a kid, I used to go to this old man’s plantation whenever I was bored and I’d crush bugs with my hands. Then, this one clear sunny day, this music happened to play on the radio. It was ‘In the flow of time’ by Paul Simon. It was originally called ‘Still crazy after all of these years.’”</p><p>Their breakfast sizzles on the stove. Aki experly flips the bacon without breaking his inquisitive stare. All these years, it’s the same stare he uses whenever he’s trying to understand something. Like Ugetsu is a puzzle he can’t stop taking apart and piecing together again.</p><p>Afraid of the reaction he’ll get, Ugetsu turns to face the wall. “I was just a kid back then, but listening to that, I thought ‘wow...I want to die...it’s a great day isn’t it?’. I think I’ve been chasing that feeling of dying since then.”</p><p>He winces at the sharp scratch of the spatula against the pan. “Don’t look at me like that,” he continues even though he’s still facing away. If he sees what kind of expression Aki is making right now, he might lose his nerve forever. “Just because I’m emotionally mature enough to think about death doesn’t mean I actually want to die.”</p><p> </p><p>He goes on his first ever tour over summer break and falls in love with music all over again. He falls in love with the rhythm of a new city every few days, playing shows every night. Some of his shows are classical violin concertos with supporting orchestras. Others are his eccentric original concerts with a handful of backup players and artistic stage costumes.</p><p>He climbs higher with his borrowed wings. The tour shows him heights that he had never imagined he could reach. </p><p>Every night, another notable violinist picked by his team opens the show for him. Every night, he’s disappointed with their soulless music. He searches cities all across Asia, but finds no one who has reached even a fraction of the height he has. </p><p>When the tour ends after nearly one month abroad, he hits one of his lowest lows. He enters through his front door to find the place sparkling clean and a vase of flowers on the coffee table.</p><p>Aki’s shirtless and in the middle of getting dressed. “Oh, you’re back. You could have asked me to pick you up.” He sounds like he’s welcoming Ugetsu home from a day of class instead of a long journey. The scene is so sickeningly domestic, and Ugetsu is so tired of fighting. </p><p>He drops his luggage at the door and crosses the room to hide his head in Aki’s bare collarbone. He inhales the scent of cedar and bergamot along with enticing musk. His motion is like a raindrop in a drought. The single raindrop soon turns into a monsoon as lips kiss the top of his head and hands attentively strip off his layers.</p><p>After the highs and lows of the tour, he’s too fucking tired to shatter this moment. “Make it gentle,” he commands. </p><p> </p><p>Snow falls especially early as the second term begins. Aki is busy as usual with his jobs and band, but he still catches Ugetsu on campus now and then. He gets into the habit of leaving post-it notes around the house instead of just sending texts like a normal person.</p><p>
  <em>Don’t wait up tonight. There’s yakisoba in the fridge.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m going to be using the practice room tomorrow afternoon.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Picked up your dry cleaning. It’s in the closet.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Remember to eat.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ran into your viola boyfriend. He’s a loser.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can you go to the drugstore? We’re nearly out of toothpaste.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ugetsu sets each note on fire and leaves them in the ashtray. They keep coming.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Late band practice again tonight.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s a high school reunion dinner this weekend if you want to go.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ll be at your competition tomorrow. Good luck (I know you’ll win). </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He gets a crazy idea as he’s at the drugstore, picking up a new mascara the morning of the competition. This time it’ll work. If hurting Aki won’t drive him away, maybe burdening him would...</p><p>No matter how much you depend on someone, that person should never, ever, ever become responsible for your well-being. That’s an unfair amount of pressure that will rightfully drive them away. </p><p> </p><p>His name is towards the end of the roster this time.</p><p>Every motion, no matter how miniscule, feels like moving through cement.</p><p>He gives into the soul deep exhaustion as the last note fades. Like a marionette with its strings cut...like a lone black feather fallen off a crow...he's falling...</p><p> </p><p>Falling...</p><p> </p><p>Falling...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Apparently, he did not fucking think this through because social media gets flooded with headlines, and tabloid writers are having a field day. His own name along with Aki’s is trending nationwide.</p><p>
  <em> Burnout at last for Japan’s dark horse violinist?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Former violinist, Akihiko Kaji, forces his way to the stage in a craze. Fans speculate on the nature of their relationship. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Murata Ugetsu’s team quick to quell rumors of drug use.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A bump in the road or the start of his decline?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Are they classmates, friends, or more? Rumors continue to fly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Murata Ugetsu disqualified for being unwell. Critics defend that he deserved to win.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Art over life - why are such brilliant geniuses also immensely troubled?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>A light rap at the door pulls his attention away from his phone screen. He quickly turns it off and shoves it aside without jostling the IV in his arm.</p><p>“Yo.” It’s Aki with a duffel bag in one hand and a takeout bag in the other. Beneath his casual demeanor, he looks one hairline away from raising hell.</p><p>“Please tell me we’re getting the hell out of here.”</p><p>Aki’s jaw clenches as he holds onto composure with a vice grip. “You’re being kept under observation.”</p><p>“W-what?! I’m totally fine now!” </p><p>“Mental health observation,” he corrects. “They did a blood test on you, and you want to know what they found? A fucking alarming level of...I'm not even going to say it cuz you know what you took to end up like this. It’s a miracle you even managed to finish your song with all that stuff in your system. Anyways, your father saw the headlines and he blew up my phone, hysterical with worry. I managed to convince him it’s not what he thinks it is.”</p><p>“...”</p><p>“You’re welcome for that, by the way. Give him a call tomorrow when you get the chance. What the hell possessed you to think that was a good idea?”</p><p>Oh god...he never meant for it to get this blown out of proportion! He never meant to worry the living hell out of his father! He didn’t mean to get trending nationwide and drag Aki’s name into this as well. He just wanted Aki to finally get sick of taking care of him...and look where that got him. He’s in one hell of a mess and Aki knows exactly what he was trying to do.</p><p>He buries his face in his cold hands as the tidal wave of tears break free. “I-I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s not what they all think it is.” </p><p>Aki huffs and plops down in the chair beside the bed. “I know. I know you’re not on drugs, suicidal, or self-harming, but burnouts happen. Especially to people like you. You’re hardly in your twenties, and you’ve shaken the industry more than some of its leaders.”</p><p>He’s lying. Aki knows him too well to actually believe the excuse he’s spouting. Aki knows how his convoluted mind works but he’s refusing to acknowledge it. </p><p>“I’m not burning out...”</p><p>“Your father, your team, and the whole fucking internet disagrees.” That’s confirmation that Aki himself doesn’t believe it’s a simple burnout. “Look...I don’t care if you scream at me or hit me. Don’t hurt yourself anymore. It only makes me want to lock you up and keep you from the world forever.”</p><p>Oh god, he’s tired...he’s so fucking tired of this endless cycle. He wants to give up on fighting to break it and just be with Aki. If this conversation continues, his resolve is going to shatter like the dishes he breaks in a rage. “Maybe tortured, misunderstood genius would suit my aesthetic.” </p><p>Aki gives him the free pass because he’s also bad at saying no. “You only wish you were that cool.”</p><p> </p><p>The next few days pass in a flurry of visits and appointments with psychiatrists. He reads them all as easily as picture books and tells them what they want to hear. He’s just tired. Balancing his lifestyle is stressful. He regrets what happened but sees that it’s a sign to slow down. Lies. All lies.</p><p>Aki picks him up when the hospital finally clears him to go home. </p><p>“Let’s take a walk around the shopping district first. I want to pick up a few CDs and I know you’ll bitch if you run out of your girly shower gel.” Aki carries both their bags on one shoulder. His back looks so strong, and broad, and endlessly reassuring. </p><p>Truthfully, Ugetsu is tired. He’s so fucking tired after all those lengthy conversations with his father and talking circles around liscenced mental health professionals. He’s so fucking tired of seeing all the well wishes and conspiracy theories on social media. He’s so fucking tired of his and Aki’s names still circulating around with endless conjecture, although there is truth in it.</p><p>“Fine. Whatever you want,” he replies. He’s so close to giving up. So close to just going along with wherever Aki wants them to be. He’s so fucking exhausted even though second term of his first year in university has barely begun. It’s only been six months since he broke up with Aki on White Day, but it feels like eternity ago. If the venomous words, nearly setting their house on fire, finally sleeping with someone else, and causing a scandal nearly outing them as gay aren’t enough to push Aki away...maybe nothing he can do will.</p><p>A detail stops him. It’s ironic, like divine intervention is telling him to keep fighting no matter how painful it gets. Not even in his twenties and with the weight of the industry on him, he sees his own face plastered across a digital billboard for the first time. </p><p>It's a simple ad of his face and name to promote his next tour in Europe, which will inevitably be pushed back. Wide eyed, he stops in his tracks to look up at himself. Honestly, he forgot all about that photo shoot his PR manager dragged him to. </p><p>Aki chats meaninglessly about food and movies for a few moments before noticing that Ugetsu has fallen behind. </p><p>As he keeps looking up at the tastefully minimalistic image of himself, the rest of the world fades away. The bustling downtown center, the drifting snow, his own uncertainties for the future...they all melt like frost in golden morning. </p><p>He can do this. He can carry on. There’s no other choice for him.</p><p>A warm hand slipping into his cold one pulls him out of the reverie. Of course, Aki is the only person in the world who can invade him this deeply. </p><p>“You ought to be proud of yourself. This is what you've been working towards since second year of high school, right? You’re finally on the international stage.”</p><p>"...I still haven't met anyone incredible yet." </p><p>"Then keep climbing," Aki answers firmly, but not unsympathetic. "This is what you wanted."</p><p>“Yea...this is what I wanted.” It’s not a lie but it’s not the truth either.</p><p>He wants to tear up the world more than anything. He wants to break through walls of resistance. He wants to experience the true hardship of artists. He wants to get closer to that feeling of death from his childhood. He didn’t want glory handed to him to the point where he tried to ruin his own reputation.</p><p>He wants to be with Kaji Akihiko. He loves Aki more than he cherishes his own life. He wants to be with him. If he has the choice, he would give up his talent and fate in an instant to live a normal, loving life with Aki. But he doesn’t have the choice. Maybe in another life, but in this one, he can only set them both free.  </p><p>In this one, he must keep forging on.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>See that "hopeful ending" tag??? I promise it will get better in the final chapter!</p><p>The photoshoot is inspired by the <a href="https://given.fandom.com/wiki/Ugetsu_Murata/Image_Gallery?file=Given_code._16.png">panel at the start of code 16</a> and his ‘stand’ in <a href="https://mangakakalot.com/chapter/given/chapter_21.5">chapter 21.5 </a><br/>The earlier ‘dinner date’ outfits are inspired by <a href="https://given.fandom.com/wiki/Ugetsu_Murata/Image_Gallery?file=Akihiko_and_Ugetsu_PASH%21_Cover.jpg">this cover from Pash Magazine.</a></p><p>Does anyone else sort of get what canon Ugetsu said about wanting to die while he was listening to In the Flow of Time?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Boy of Dawn (the catalyst)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The hiatus his father and team forces him to take must be deemed punishment enough because Aki doesn’t get him put on suicide watch. Not that he’s actually at risk. Until the end of winter break, he’s not allowed to participate in any competitions or go to any shows, though they can’t stop him from practicing as much as he can. </p><p>When the suffocating weight of being grounded gets too unbearable, he screams at his team. They don’t budge. He screams at Aki. They yell obscenities and spit venom at each other, only to make up hours later.</p><p>He starts bringing people over and texting Aki not to come home for the night. Sometimes, it’s Satsuki. Other times, it’s random people whose feelings he plays like a second instrument. Other times, he lies to spend the night alone. He always, always changes the sheets before Aki comes home. </p><p>Every time, Aki comes home disheveled and smelling like someone else. He always, always showers first thing. Sometimes, he leaves for days regardless of getting kicked out or not. </p><p>They still can’t keep their hands off each other. </p><p> </p><p>The first time they raise a hand against the other, it starts because of another dumb disagreement. Aki snaps something particularly vicious and Ugetsu’s hand slaps that infuriating, handsome face without a second thought. Then, he gets backhanded in return so forcefully that his lip splits.</p><p>It all happens so quickly that neither of them are able to process for a few minutes. Finally, Aki raises his hand in horror, brushing across his knuckles stained with Ugetsu’s blood. His complexion turns green. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”</p><p>“Shut up,” Ugetsu growls and pounces him. His slender arms wrap around broad shoulders and he swings his legs up to wrap around a rock hard abdomen. His weight does nothing to unbalance them.</p><p>The next morning, Aki goes to class with a light bruise on his face that he can pass off as a trophy from a street fight. Ugetsu skips class since he does not need people seeing him with a purple cheek and busted lip. He has enough problems as it is.</p><p>It’s the start of his class skipping habit. By the time the winter term ends, he has worked out agreements with all his profs to skip as much class as he wants as long as he gets his work done. </p><p> </p><p>Irony of all ironies, they spend all of winter break together in peace. They do typical Christmas-y things like go shopping, eat festive food, and cuddle while watching cheesy movies. The handful of winter break parties they go to, they arrive together and leave together. </p><p> </p><p>To spite his team and his father, he goes off hiatus the same day that third term starts. He chooses to play the most complex violin concerto he’s capable of. For the first time, he doesn’t put up a warm front or chat with the audience. He shuts up and plays.</p><p>Apparently, Aki finds his new colder front endlessly arousing because he jumps him the moment their front door closes. Buttons get torn off both their shirts and Ugetsu doesn’t bitch about his clothes being ruined. As he’s ravished that night, he decides to stop pretending.</p><p> </p><p>After that, he can admit he becomes a real bitch. He tells Satsuki what’s on his mind no matter how harsh it is. He lashes out at his team over the smallest disagreements and inconveniences. He refuses to work with certain people for no reason other than to watch them squirm. He tears backup players apart for the smallest fumbles. Still, no matter how merciless his critique is, he always shows them how the music is supposed to sound. </p><p>There are now articles floating around on social media about how he had changed after his hiatus. Short tempered and chilling. Terrifying to work with but infinitely rewarding if you stick it out. More untouchable than ever. Has he always been like this at his core? Or is he becoming someone unrecognizable? He doesn’t know. </p><p>Looking in the mirror, he doesn’t look much different. Maybe he’s lost a bit of weight because his collarbone looks more fragile, but his cheeks are holding on baby fat while the point of his chin is impish. His hair is still dark and artfully messy. His eyes are a clear shade of grey instead of stormy. His skin is fair like Aki’s, but bruises under a possessive grip. The brute’s job at the moving company has made him so strong that he forgets his own strength. Aside from the slapping incident, he never catches himself and Ugetsu never reminds him.</p><p> </p><p>One day, he’s returning from grocery shopping as Aki’s dropped off by a woman in a sports car. He’s pulled down for a goodbye kiss and handed a wad of bills before she speeds off. So that’s where he has been for the past few days. They make eye contact, but neither of them say anything until the groceries are put away and Aki’s out of the shower.</p><p>“Why are you living like a gigolo?”</p><p>Self-aware enough to not take insult, Aki responds, “I became something I hated. Just like you did.”</p><p>The conversation stops there. Neither are able to keep calling out the other without calling out themselves. They’re both remarkably attractive people, but they have truly become so, so ugly.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s with all the luggage?”</p><p>“I’m leaving for the Europe tour.” More clothes are haphazardly thrown into the carry on suitcase. </p><p>“It’s about time you get the hell out of the continent before you give me an aneurysm.”</p><p>“Ha ha, very funny. Don’t wreck the place while I’m away.”</p><p>“I’m not like you, mister-almost-set-fire-to-the-basement.”</p><p> </p><p>The tour is only two weeks long since he needs to be back for midterms, but it’s everything he needed and more. He’s a man on fire and touring is an oasis. Living out of a suitcase, collecting fancy hotel soaps, seeing a different sky every night...he can breathe a little easier. </p><p>When his schedule is packed with travel, rehearsals, and shows, music is the only thing on his mind. With crowds to entrance and critics to bewilder, there’s no space in his head for uncertainties. There’s no space for thoughts of home.</p><p>Music is his love and soul, but Akihiko is his true home. On the flight back to Japan, the intense adrenaline he had been running on burns out like a dying ember, leaving nothing but emptiness and a soul deep ache to be held.</p><p>“I’m hooommeee,” he calls, trying to play it cool. As if he had ever been any good at hiding things from Aki. “I forgot to pack my own fancy shampoo and the hotel ones suck so I had to buy another bottle abroad. But the jerks at the airline confiscated it since apparently the volume exceeded the limit.”</p><p>As he lumbers down the stairs, he notices another vase of flowers on the coffee table. </p><p>“Yo,” Aki greets. “Dinner will be ready in a few. Also picked up your favorite peach soju.”</p><p> </p><p>Two days later, he’s still jet lagged and getting over the lingering exhaustion. Two days later, Aki is still spoiling him and he’s still too drained to start a fight.</p><p>He’s dozing on and off on the couch while Aki sits on the floor typing at the laptop on his outstretched legs. He’s pulling a late nighter on a music history paper. The click of keys is oddly soothing, like a metronome. </p><p>“Why do you still buy me flowers if you’re always complaining about being poor?” Ugetsu asks because he’s genuinely curious.</p><p>“Hah? You seriously forgot?”</p><p>“Forgot what?”</p><p>Aki turns away from the assignment to look at him, frowning. “Redhead-kun has been running his family’s florist shop for years. He gives freebies to all his good friends. Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you don’t know since your old friends are nothing to you now.”</p><p>“That’s not true...” he trails off. Actually, it is true. He can’t even remember the last time he checked their group chat or texted any of them. </p><p>“I didn’t mean to make it sound like a bad thing. You have a lot going on.” Aki turns back to his work. That seems to be the end of that unpleasant conversation. </p><p>Unable to take the non-judgement, Ugetsu decides to start an even more unpleasant conversation.</p><p>“Why don’t you just go to a friend’s place whenever I kick you out?” They always do this. They always ask the hard hitting questions when the other is too tired or preoccupied to lash out about it.</p><p>The click of keys slow, but doesn’t stop. “I don’t have any friends,” Aki replies bluntly.</p><p>“That’s bullshit,” he scoffs. “What about the guys you go drinking with? And the people you meet through work? And not to mention your bandmates. You have places to go. You’re not a loner like me.”</p><p>“The one guy who’s selfless enough to take me in unconditionally doesn’t need to find out what a scoundrel gigolo I am. Besides, none of those ‘friends’ are like you.”</p><p>Goddammit. He doesn’t need this much honesty, so he diverts. “You mean I’m special because I’m the lowest of the low.”</p><p>“If that’s how you want to see it, I won’t argue.”</p><p>He drapes himself over Aki’s shoulders and points at a sentence on the screen. “You got this date wrong, it’s supposed to be September nineteen seventy five, not seventy six. Seriously, why’d you even take this class if you’re a buffoon when it comes to details?”</p><p>The date gets corrected. “This prof bell-curves grades like no tomorrow.” </p><p>“Heh, then how about I help you ace this and we can screw over everyone else.”</p><p>“You’re such a bitch.” </p><p>“You wouldn’t like me otherwise.”</p><p> </p><p>They’re at each other’s throats again the day midterms end. Insults get flung and the vase of flowers goes flying at the wall. Ugetsu storms out with nothing but his phone and violin case. He calls his team and demands they get him on a flight the very afternoon. It doesn’t matter where he goes. Stages anywhere would welcome him.</p><p> </p><p>The cycle continues. Return after a weeks long absence physically drained and emotionally homesick. Get spoiled by Aki for the night. Then, there’s a period of a few days where neither of them do anything to break the peace. Inevitably, Ugetsu’s skin will start crawling and he’ll bring a random man home. The stranger gets kicked out the next morning and the sheets get washed and changed. The air between him and Aki will keep growing with tension until one of them snaps and they have another big fight. And then, Ugetsu will give his team hell over booking last minute international travel again. He gets into the habit of having a bag always ready to go.</p><p>He doesn’t leave just to get away. Being able to just pack up and jet anywhere to perform is truly exhilarating. He needs some chaos and unpredictability in his life. It’s fun that even he himself doesn’t know where he’ll tear up the stage next. It’s fun to pick up tidbits of new languages. It’s fun to be the type of person who can throw a dart on the map and just go wherever it lands. He knows he has a vain side, which is why living out of a suitcase is a breath of fresh air. It’s also nice to have a sketchbook of costume ideas for his original shows. If he were a more vain person, he’d look forward to the day he can fill an exhibit with them. </p><p>All in all, his spontaneous travels keep him feeling alive. People who are fans of his music also appreciate how he keeps them on their toes.</p><p>However, once Aki is thrown in the mix, it’s a vicious cycle with no end in sight. Almost like Ugetsu is trying to stop a windmill of razor blades with his bare hands. Like he’s stuck in a time loop trying to just get it right already. Sometimes, his resolve goes so threadbare he’s only hanging on with the sheer force of his spite. </p><p>It keeps going on and on. He’s reminded of an illustrated book called Watchmen that he bought at one of the many airports. The antihero of the series asked an infinite being ‘I did the right thing in the end, didn’t I?’ To which the being replied, ‘nothing ever ends.’</p><p>One moment he was standing on the street in the early winter after causing a scene that went nationwide. Then he blinked, and it’s mid spring of his third year in university.  </p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to use the practice room for drums later, if that’s okay.”</p><p>Ugetsu is lazing around in bed with his upper body draped across Aki. He had stolen a bite of the guy’s breakfast and his cigarette right after. “Got a live coming up?”</p><p>“You should come.” This won’t be the first or last time he’s asked to give Aki the one thing he has not given him yet.</p><p>“Are you at a level where you’re okay with showing me?” He has listened to recordings and given feedback, but that’s worlds apart from seeing them on stage.</p><p>Aki’s entire back stiffens. Seems like he isn’t confident. That’s strange...what in the world could have changed? </p><p>“I can’t deny the possibility it’ll turn into a disaster...but I think you should come.”</p><p>Something drastic must have happened. Something that Aki irrevocably wants him to see. Ah, he’s too curious when it comes to music! Plus, there is indeed something of equal value he can ask in return. It’ll make his crazy idea even crazier, but there’s no backing out now. “I’ll go to your show, but you need to do something for me too.”</p><p>“What is it?” The muscular back turns and he’s met with green eyes narrowed in suspicion. </p><p>“Meet me downstairs in fifteen minutes and I’ll show you.”</p><p> </p><p>“So you’re entering the Mister Campus pageant? Thought you didn’t have time to screw around like a commoner.” Aki’s arms are crossed disapprovingly, but there’s an anticipatory spark in his eyes. </p><p>Ugetsu is a simpler rendition of a stage outfit. He’s in loose black pants and a silky black blouse. His waist is cinched in a faux leather corset, but it’s not so tight that it’ll cut off his breathing. The look is complete with pale foundation and smouldering black eye makeup. </p><p>“Just listen and you’ll get it.” Aki always gets it. Aki always gets him.</p><p>Just as he begins the first notes, he throws his body into movement. Fluid like water, with all the sensuality of latin dance, and all the grace of contemporary ballet. Despite not needing his eyes to play, he keeps them open to spot so he doesn’t get dizzy from the spins. </p><p>His rendition of the trending pop song, although intricate, is below his usual skill level. He has to tone down his playing so it won’t overtake the dance. For this to work, music and motion need to blend together as one. The imaginary partner he’s keeping in mind has to meld with him as well.</p><p>The song finishes with his back towards Aki. “I’m using the paganet’s talent show as an excuse to try out something I’ve never done before. I heard this song at an airport and inspiration just struck. I watched a bunch of dance videos on the flight and choreographed this right after,” he converses as he’s putting away his violin. “The DJ will take care of the percussion, but I need you to be my backup violinist. You can honestly just wing it since most of the focus will be on me. The point is to get you on stage playing violin again. Maybe you’ll feel something up there that will inspire you to get back into it for real.”</p><p>Two hands grip his waist and turn him around. Aki’s pupils are blown so wide that only a sliver of emerald can be seen. “The corset?”</p><p>“Geez, is that what you were focused on this entire time?” He can’t believe this blockheaded brute! “It’s inspired by the one from the music video. I commissioned it from a fashion student.”</p><p>“Someone from this school got to put their mitts all over you?” The possessive grip turns him around again and insistent fingers clumsily tug at the lacing on the back.</p><p>This is honestly not what Ugetsu had intended to happen, but he’s not going to complain. “Slow the hell down. You’re on the sidewalk for a whole week if you rip it.”</p><p>They end up so preoccupied that Aki’s drum practice has to wait until evening.</p><p> </p><p>“Oi, you’re going away again? What about my live show?” </p><p>“I’ll be back that afternoon,” Ugetsu doesn’t stop his packing. “Don’t worry about flight delays, since I’ll be taking the bullet train.”</p><p>Aki clicks his tongue. “Whatever.”</p><p>“Now, now, there’s no need to be so petulant,” he chides. “You’re finally getting what you wanted all these years. Unless...you wanted me to cheer you on beforehand? Well, I’m sorry to say that’s a privilege reserved for boyfriends.” Not that he bothers seeing Satsuki or any of his other flings from the music program perform.</p><p>“Just don’t be late.”</p><p> </p><p>Going on thirty hours awake, running on energy drinks and cigarettes, and with a pit in his stomach from finally letting Aki talk him into this, Ugetsu realizes four things as he stands in the audience.</p><p>One: Satou Mafuyu is like him. His technique is still very rough, but he will one day become an unworldly force. </p><p>Two: The bassist with the ponytail is hopelessly in love with Akihiko. He seems like a kind-hearted, honest man who deserves Aki more than anyone else. </p><p>Three: Satou Mafuyu’s music is the catalyst that will set him and Aki free from each other. </p><p>Four: He had been waiting for someone like Satou Mafuyu. He had been climbing this entire time, hoping to meet someone who could reach incredible heights with him. He had been waiting this entire time for someone who could give Aki the push to leave. </p><p>He’ll have to think about how to use this information once he’s not a strong wind away from falling over.</p><p> </p><p>Turns out, he doesn’t have to be the one to take initiative.</p><p>“One of my bandmates is interested in your music,” Aki comments out of the blue one morning while handing him a mug of coffee.</p><p>“Which one?” he mumbles, still mostly asleep. Ah, caffeine is truly the nectar of the gods.</p><p>“Our vocalist, Mafuyu. I lent him some of your CD’s from back when you weren’t pretentious enough to only perform live.”</p><p>Ugetsu reads into the lines of the silent request. This has been a habit of theirs from the start. They casually ask for rides and errands, but they dance around important favors. They seamlessly pick up the subtleties, since they already understand each other so well. “I’ll get you two tickets for my next local concert.”</p><p>If he pushes back the trip to Hokkaido he had in mind and urges his team to book it as soon as possible, nobody else needs to know.</p><p> </p><p>He sees Mafuyu and Aki, both casually dressed, walk to their assigned seats. From the side stage, he gets a better look at Mafuyu than he did at the live show.</p><p>The teenager has unique, strawberry toned hair. Despite his loose sweater, Ugetsu can tell that they share the same frail looking build. They also share the same delicately curved facial features. Mafuyu’s hairstyle is also similar to his, though his own locks are wilder. Indeed, there are striking similarities. However, Ugetsu is dagger sharp while Mafuyu is soft. Maybe it’s the hardness in his steely eyes while those strawberry ones are daydreaming and innocent. Maybe it’s the chiaroscuro contrast between his raven hair and alabaster skin while Mafuyu’s palette is tenderly warm.</p><p>It’s clear that although Mafuyu shares his gift of natural genius, this teenager has not been twisted and hardened the way he had. Maybe the difference lies in their experience and the choices given to them. Or maybe Mafuyu is still capable of living on the same plane of existence as the rest of the world because his talent isn’t as polished yet. </p><p>Ah, it’s a shame that Mafuyu can’t be his direct rival. That would have been fun. But he supposes he can look after the boy. He could ensure this boy who is capable of connecting with society, despite suffering tremendously, will never feel the same soul crushing isolation that he does. This is why Aki wanted him to see the live. This is why Aki had given Mafuyu his old CD’s and brought him here.</p><p>“How cruel, Akihiko,” he muses out loud, “despite us hurting each other at every chance, you still have such a firm grip on me that I can’t deny you anything you ask for.”</p><p>The lights dim. The audience goes silent and thrums with anticipation. A few members of the symphony glance at him expectantly. </p><p>It’s time to put on another show.</p><p> </p><p>Knowing that he’d be unable to face Aki (and properly meet Mafuyu) afterwards, he leaves for Hokkaido right after the concert ends. As always, his team tries to talk him into meeting some of the fans, like he used to before. As always, he tells them to shut up already.</p><p>Hokkaido is nice, he supposes. The cooler air and mountain views are nice. Their milk tea is one of the best things he has ever tasted.</p><p> </p><p>Just as quickly as he had left, he finds himself parking in his driveway and lugging his bags downstairs. “I’m hoommeee,” he singsongs. “Ahhh my suitcase is so heavy! I brought back three dozen cans of Hokkaido milk tea! I also brought enough milk bread to take care of breakfast for the next few days.”</p><p>No immediate response...strange. He leaves his things at the bottom of the stairs and finds Aki napping like a bear, even though it’s hardly evening. </p><p>“I just got home after back-to-back trips lately and you have the nerve to be tired,” he pouts, perching himself at the edge of the bed. Aki doesn’t have to be awake if he wants to muse out loud. “How did you like the Tchaikovsky show? I wonder...was it good enough to excite you?”</p><p>Turns out, Aki is very much awake and very much excited. One second, Ugetsu is leaning over him, and the next moment, he’s pinned with both hands at Aki’s mercy. The week he ran off to Hokkaido had done nothing to quell the man’s thirst. </p><p>He can’t help but giggle hysterically despite the rough treatment. Or maybe he’s laughing because he knows he enjoys being hurt as much as Aki enjoys manhandling him. “Were we supposed to do it today? That’s unusual.”</p><p>Aki shuts him up by bringing up his right hand to studded lips. So they won’t be using lube tonight.</p><p>“Why don’t you ever learn, Akihiko?”</p><p> </p><p>There’s an insistent knocking at the door. </p><p>Ugetsu is dragged out of his deep slumber. 7 am. It’s way too damn early for this. “Akihiko, go get it.”</p><p>Despite being prodded, Aki remains sound asleep. As if he’s the only one who had a tiring night. </p><p>The knocking doesn’t stop. “Damn freeloader treating the landlord like a slave...” he grumbles, pulling on the first discarded clothes he sees. The knocking gets louder. “Holy shit, I’m coming! You better not be a salesman or I swear to god-”</p><p>It’s Satou Mafuyu with a guitar case on his back. Strawberry eyes widen in confusion and then embarrassment. Damn...the low cut of the t-shirt does nothing to hide his marks. He doesn’t even want to imagine how sensually wild his hair is. </p><p>What an awkward first meeting! But he doesn’t want Mafuyu to go, so he speaks like nothing is amiss. “Ah, you’re the kid who sang! Akihiko’s still sleeping, but I’ll entertain you for now. Why don’t you come in?”</p><p> </p><p>He sends Mafuyu to the practice room as he cleans up and makes himself more presentable. He’s tempted to put concealer on the higher up marks, but there’s no point since Mafuyu already saw them.</p><p>Thankfully, the guest doesn’t question the nature of his relationship with Aki despite curiosity burning in his eyes. The two of them focus on a new song that Mafuyu has been working on. </p><p>Eventually, Aki lumbers in, looking disheveled as hell himself. He uselessly flails at the situation before realizing he has minutes to get ready for his ride at the door. He clambers around, knocks a few things over, and charges out with a package of milk bread.</p><p>“Why don’t we take a break?” Ugetsu suggests now that their atmosphere has been ruined. </p><p>And so, they’re back upstairs, drinking from their cans of milk tea in companionable silence. The kid’s eyes went starry the moment he took his first sip. It’s cute...like Mafuyu is an alien experiencing the novelties of the world for the first time. This is probably how he reacts every time he eats something good or hears a song that resonates.</p><p>“What exactly is your relationship with Kaji-san?” The question is blunt, but the tone is so soft and non-judgemental.</p><p>Ugetsu tells him. He tells him the story that has never been told, not even in his own music. Mafuyu listens with attentive eyes, as if he wants to feel their pain. It would be patronizing coming from anyone else, but this boy seems like he’s truly capable of empathizing. </p><p>“It might not look that way, but I’m the lowest son-of-a-bitch to Aki. I try to leave him at every turn, but I’m still no good at it. Meanwhile, he hasn’t given up at all.” He glances at the clock. Damn, he’s running late for a meeting with his team. He stands up to get changed, not caring that there’s a guest in the room.</p><p>“Why did you tell me all that?”</p><p>“Because I don’t have any friends!” He turns back with a good natured smile before he gets thoughtful again. “Maybe I just wanted somebody to understand...even if it’s just a tiny bit. Anyways, you can stay here and practice as long as you want. If you like the story I just told you, feel free to use it as inspiration.”</p><p>Truthfully, he wants to beg Mafuyu to help set Aki free from him. He’s so bone-deep exhausted from this cycle repeating over and over. But he’s a grown adult and it would be unfair to shove that burden on a kid. Mafuyu seems like he already has too damn many burdens of his own. </p><p>He’s confident that one way or another, Given will break this hellish cycle. He just has to keep holding on. </p><p> </p><p>“I can’t believe you didn’t enter the Mister Campus pageant yourself.”</p><p>“There’s no point if there’s no prize money.”</p><p>“So you’ll only embrace your looks when there’s money involved? You really have become a gigolo through and through.”</p><p>They’re standing backstage waiting for their turn to perform. As Ugetsu had suggested, Aki will more or less be winging it. He’s a busy, busy man after all. Despite his outfit being thrown together last minute, Aki is devilishly sexy in his low-neck sleeveless hoodie and black pants. It’s a hip-hop contrast to Ugetsu’s polished look. </p><p>Green eyes keep glancing up to his smokey eyeshadow and down to his corset. “Here, one last touch.” Aki reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a lipstick that had no doubt ended up there from one of his flings. </p><p>“I don’t want that anywhere near me.”</p><p>“Oh come on, it’ll complete the look.” It’s true. The dark berry color would suit him perfectly. </p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>Instead of passing him the offending object, Aki puts it on for him and blots the color with a thumb. The air between them feels electric. </p><p> </p><p>“The next performance for Mister Campus is our long awaited heartthrob, contestant number ten!”</p><p>The crowd’s roar is deafening. Once the audience sees tall, gorgeously-built Aki enter the stage with him, the cheers go impossibly louder.</p><p>Floored by such an intense welcome, searching green eyes meet his own. Searching for what, Ugetsu doesn’t know. But he knows that if he can show Aki the high of performing freely with the violin, maybe...just maybe...</p><p>He nods, the motion slight and purposeful. They both take a deep breath. Ugetsu begins the song.</p><p>If the air between them had been electric before, it’s no doubt a vicious lightning storm now. Phone cameras flash like strikes and the people who recognize their pop cover straight up shriek in excitement. No doubt they’re going viral on social media after this. </p><p>As he continues the song and dance, Ugetsu can picture the headlines already. It’ll be good. It’ll give Aki’s reputation a boost to get back on stage. It might even bring some more traffic to his band.</p><p>They move seamlessly around each other. They haven’t rehearsed once together beforehand, but they don’t need to. After the countless violin practices and passionate nights together, their music and their bodies know each other too well. </p><p>It takes the announcer nearly five minutes to get the crowd to settle once they’re done. A few more performances follow before all contestants are called back to stage for awards. At this point, nobody is surprised that Ugetsu wins Campus Mister by a landslide. </p><p> </p><p>He had gotten too lost in his grand vision to think this through, because campus twitter is now a battlefield.</p><p>
  <em>Isn’t that guy super famous? He had the competition handed to him from the start!<br/>
&gt; I agree. None of the other talent performances stood a chance<br/>
&gt; But a pageant is more than just talent! He wouldn’t have won if he didn’t have the looks or stage presence to back it up</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh my god, I’m fangirling like crazy!! That was so hot?! Apparently he’s a famous violinist who never did a dance performance before!! How can anyone be that good?!<br/>
&gt; I know right?!?! He’s crazy talented!!!<br/>
&gt; And the backup violinist is insanely hot too!! You could feel their chemistry!!<br/>
&gt; What the hell, he’s just a wimpy looking dude in a corset and makeup, how can any of you find him attractive?<br/>
&gt; WTFF, why would you even say that???<br/>
&gt; Yea, GTFO you homophobe</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who is his backup player? That guy deserved to win!<br/>
&gt; Ugetsu worked for this while that guy didn’t even enter! It’s easy to sit around judging everyone else even though you didn’t have the guts to try<br/>
&gt; Sitting around judging people’s appearance is the whole point of pageants! I’m allowed to not like him if I think someone else is better<br/>
&gt; You’re just a hater</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can we all stop arguing about the Mister Campus and talk about the Miss Campus??? She’s so gorgeous that she could step on me and I’d thank her!</em><br/>
&gt; The Miss Campus competition was a close one! I was on the edge of my seat!<br/>
&gt; She’s more of the pretty type than the cute type, but I see what you mean
</p><p> </p><p>“Oi! What the hell is taking you so long to get changed?” Aki’s disgruntled shout startles his attention away from his phone screen. The phone is snatched out of his hand in an instant and his street clothes are shoved into his arms. “Hurry the hell up.”</p><p>He doesn’t get his phone back after changing. He doesn’t even get it back as the two of them weave through the lingering crowd. Like a bodyguard, Aki has his hand in a vice grip and angles him away from prying eyes.</p><p>“Akihiko!” A long haired raven beauty is running towards them. She’s the Miss Campus winner. “You didn’t tell me you were going to be on stage! Good job, by the way! But you better have cheered for me.”</p><p>Ever the popular guy, they’re approached by another group of Aki’s friends before he could respond. The bassist from the band is among them. Honey brown eyes take in their entwined hands and Aki’s guarding posture. </p><p>“Akihiko, we’re going out drinking. Both of you are welcome to join us.” The bassist’s voice is smooth and lower pitched than the last time Ugetsu heard it. Those warm eyes are curious, but there’s not a shred of jealousy or spite in them. He really is a kind hearted man...</p><p>“Congrats on winning Campus Miss,” Ugetsu says to the black haired woman. He turns to meet the bassist’s earnest gaze. “Thank you for the invite, but I’m a little tired tonight. You all have fun though.” He tries to pull his hand away, but the grip only tightens. </p><p>Holy hell, is the brute seriously going to pull this possessiveness in front of his friends?</p><p>“Akihiko, I know you want me to meet your friends, but I’m tired,” he frowns. “Can I please have my phone back so I can go home?”</p><p>Aki’s jaw is tight and his eyes flit around at all the people surrounding them. He finally releases a deep sigh. “No need. I’ll be going home too. Sorry, Haruki. I’ll drink with you guys next time.”</p><p>“You don’t have to follow me like an overgrown puppy. Go have fun with them,” Ugetsu snaps. He doesn’t need to be babied over a couple negative comments on the internet! </p><p>“Maybe I’m tired too. Ever think of that?” Aki scowls at him.</p><p>The bystanders glance at each other and fiddle awkwardly. They seem to finally realize that they’ve walked in on a tense moment in their convoluted relationship. </p><p>Haruki, the bassist, attempts to diffuse the situation. “Well, it’s been a long night. You two get your rest and we’ll see you around.” There’s no undertone of jealousy despite the fact that he and Aki’s cohabitation has been revealed. </p><p>Skin prickling from being in the presence of too many good-hearted people at once, Ugetsu yanks his hand away and storms off. He can hear Aki distantly apologize for his rudeness and run to catch up with him.</p><p>“What the hell? I know you saw the shit they’re saying online, but that’s not an excuse to be a bitch!”</p><p>Ugetsu whips around and glares. “In case it’s not clear by now, I have ALWAYS been a bitch! Besides, you know I don’t let that stuff get to me anymore. I got you to perform violin again, so that’s all that matters.”</p><p>“You are a fucking liar, you know that?!”</p><p>And that ignites an argument that escalates the entire drive home and finally blows over when Ugetsu screams something particularly seething and gets thrown against a padded wall.</p><p> </p><p>The next morning finds Ugetsu sitting around the front door with a mug of coffee in hand. There are two white butterflies fluttering around each other. They seem interested in their surroundings despite the lack of any plant life other than patches of grass peeking through concrete. Inexplicably, the sight brings tears to his eyes. Tears which he wipes away furiously when he senses a presence behind him.</p><p>There’s no point hiding the fact that he had just been crying. He can’t hide anything from this man.</p><p>“I need to use you as a model for my photography class.” The low timbre is gentle. </p><p>“Again?”</p><p>“Again.” </p><p>It’s a lie. He knows Aki had dropped the course and is just looking for an excuse. Their inability to truly keep things from the other is a two way street, after all. </p><p>“Fine.”</p><p> </p><p>They clear out an area in the practice room to shoot. Once again, Aki hardly gives him any guidance and claims they have the shot in less than five minutes.</p><p>Ten minutes after that, he’s done retouching the photo. “If you ever decide to release a CD again, you should use this.”</p><p>The photo is beautifully simplistic. He’s lying on the ground curled up with his violin and bow. He’s in the same loose sweater and dark joggers that he went to sleep in. The edges of his eyelids are still a little pink from crying and there are smudges of last night’s eye makeup. Though he has a small, inviting smile, there’s an air of sadness to it too. </p><p>At first glance, the photo is clean and elegant. But looking at the smaller details, Ugetsu is a mess. An artistically troubled mess that’s still warmly captivating. </p><p>“Do you want me to start doing CD’s again?”</p><p>“No, I just want you to have this picture.”</p><p>‘I want you to have this if I leave,’ goes unsaid. ‘If I leave you, I want you to remember that this is what you look like to me.’ </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ugetsu-san.”</p><p>He nearly shrieks at the quiet intrusion. </p><p>“M-Mafuyu! How did you get in?” How long had the kid been standing there? It’s not that he’s unhappy about an unexpected visitor. He usually has good instincts and can feel when someone’s looking at him. To be fair, getting off a red eye flight after a weeks long tour and going straight into violin practice would put a damper on anyone. </p><p>“Kaji-san gave me a spare key. He said you wouldn’t mind.”</p><p>It’s true. He doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind having company since he’s trying to distract himself.</p><p>When he doesn’t respond, Mafuyu continues the conversation. “Was that an original song?”</p><p>“Sure is.”</p><p>“I think...” the teenager chooses his words carefully, “I think you’re a very kind and sensitive person despite what you say. I can’t tell if you’re lonely or not...but I think you play music to be understood. You believe that art exists to be understood.”</p><p>Ugetsu smiles bittersweetly as he puts away the violin and bow. “You got all that from hearing me play?”</p><p>Eyes earnest and direct as ever, Mafuyu hums and nods.</p><p>“You came over to get some help with your songs, right? As you can see, Akihiko isn’t here, but let me make us some coffee and I’ll help you.”</p><p> </p><p>They’re lounging around the living room with notebooks and coffee mugs between them. Mafuyu plays him parts of his songs and Ugetsu gives clear-cut feedback. </p><p>“It’s impressive how you got this much done in such a short period of time.”</p><p>“It’s been four months since we last saw each other.”</p><p>Has it been that long already? It feels like both a blink of an eye and an eternity. “R-right.” He holds back a yawn. How many hours has he been awake?</p><p>“I shouldn’t impose on you if you’re this tired. You really should rest.” Mafuyu looks at him worriedly and starts to pack up his things, but he stops him.</p><p>“It’s fine, I should try to stay up and beat the jet lag anyways.”</p><p>Hesitantly, Mafuyu settles back down and begins to play another song.</p><p>One of the pages in the notebooks catches Ugetsu’s attention. “Hey, what about this one?”</p><p>“Ah, that one is still very rough.”</p><p>Maybe he’s gotten so tired that he’s hallucinating, but he swears he can see the scribblings on the page lift off and turn into golden light. The glow is very delicate but also warm. Watching them flutter around the room like butterflies feels like a soothing balm on his soul. Okay, his daydreams have definitely turned into hallucinations at this point. “This one has the most potential out of all of them. You should get that guitarist to help you finish it.”</p><p>Mafuyu’s hesitance speaks volumes of how deeply he had reached into his own being for the inspiration of this song. “...what should I call it?”</p><p>“Name it after yourself. Name it Dawn.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You’ve made it! Thank you for following my story!</p><p>The violin dance cover is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lapF4DQPKQ"> BTS's Black Swan. </a>The corset from the MV was part of a womenswear runway line.<br/>The photo that Aki took in the end is <a href="https://given.fandom.com/wiki/Ugetsu_Murata?file=Chapter_8_page_24.jpg">this image from the wiki gallery.</a><br/>Fun fact, 10 was my contestant number when I was in a pageant. I liked having the same number as Hinata and the little giant ^^</p><p>I really hope my story was emotionally raw to read. I personally find Ugetsu the most intriguing and relatable character, though I’m no genius. Maybe a lot of us can relate to having a relationship where the chemistry was amazing but the compatibility wasn’t there.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The photoshoot with the suits is inspired by the <a href="https://given.fandom.com/wiki/Ugetsu_Murata/Image_Gallery?file=Chapter_14_color_image.png">cover of code 14.</a></p><p>Two major things I’ve changed:<br/>In canon, Ugetsu was winning international competitions at this point, but I dialed him back so I can show his growth and sacrifice throughout the years. Also, his eyes are dark in the manga, but they look light grey to me in the anime! Light grey, I say!</p><p>It’s Akihiko who transferred schools for reasons you’ll see. He quit violin shortly after meeting Ugetsu, but Ugetsu won’t actually find out until much later.</p><p>I know nothing about the classical music scene so please excuse any inaccuracies. Also, come <a href="https://twitter.com/jn_november"> scream at me on twitter </a> ! Look forward to updates every five days or so.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>